Day 1

Today is the first day of the rest of my life. Cliche, yes, but it's true. I get to choose how I want to live the rest of my life.

I'm breaknig old habits. The old me would mope around, desperately waiting for that phone call that I know would never come. I would cancel all my plans. I would call her and text her and beg her to come back to me. I would beat myself up over it. I would act like a pathetic little kid. Long story short: I would do nothing to change it. But like I said, I'm braeking old habits.

It's time for me to grow up. No more bullshit, hiding behind immature excuses and making careless mistakes. I can't just wait around and hope everything goes as planned; I need to make something happen... Quick. I'm almost 18 years old and what to I have to show for it? My lack of self respect and self worth? My M.O. to always run away when things get tough? My sarcastic attitude that I hide behind so I don't get hurt? That's not who I want to be anymore. I'm done using myslf and others. That's not going to get me anywhere!

I'm an independant woman. That's right - Woman. No more relying on friends to get what I want or need. I can do it myself. By no means am I saying I don't need my friends. I love them all! But I'm not going to take them for granted like I have done in the past.

2009 has been the most unique year of my life so far. I've never laughed so much. I've never loved so deeply. I've never cried so hard. But that's what makes a person. It's the extremeties. I used to hold back my feelings so that no matter what, I was prepared. I don't want to be prepared anymore. I want to look life straight in the face and take whatever it gives me. No longer will I throw in the towel when I get scared, no longer will I hang a white flag on my door and surrender.

The tough part is, is that I'm still going to have bad days. I'm still going to have days where I question myself. I'm still going to have days where I miss her and wish things had never changed. But I can't live to please everybody and not myself, because at the end of the day I'm the one who has to live with me. I have to live to impress myself and hopefully on the way I'll please her too. But that is not the reason I'm changing. I'm changing because I want to be happy again. Yes, having her would make me happy; ecstatic, actually. But if my only source of real joy comes from one person, what happens if that person leaves? I want to share my happiness with her.