I don't wanna be the one to say goodbye
But I will, I will, I will
I don't wanna sit on the pavement while you fly
But I will, I will, oh yes I will
'Cause maybe in the future, you're gonna come back
You're gonna come back around
Maybe in the future you're gonna come back
You're gonna come back
Oh, the only way to really know is to really let it go
Maybe you're gonna come back, you're gonna come back
You're gonna come back to me
I don't wanna be the first to let it go
But I know, I know, I know
If you have the last hands that I want to hold
Then I know I've got to let them go
I still feel you on the right side of the bed
And I still feel you in the blankets pulled over my head
But I'm gonna wash away, oh I'm gonna wash away
Everything till you come home to me
Maybe in the future you're gonna come back
You're gonna come back
In the future you're gonna come back
You're gonna come back
Oh, the only way to really know is to really let it go
Maybe in the future you're gonna come back
You're gonna come back around
Maybe in the future you're gonna come back
You're gonna come back
9/24/2009
9/22/2009
Dear Darrell
Dear Darrell,
Where are you? Basketball season is starting again and it's finally my senior year. I hate playing basketball lately. Instead of it being enjoyable and fun, it's become something I dread doing. It's almost like a chore. If you were here, it'd be so different. I'd be itching for the season to start! I'd still keep in touch with DJ, Dustin, Trish and Austin. It was hard to play AAU this year. DJ has adopted so many subtle characteristics that you used to do... It was hard making it through the practices. I regret everyday not transferring after my sophomore year. I'm sorry! I remember you told me at the beginning of my sophomore year that you would have pulled Trish outta Miramonte if that same situation had happened. I tried though. It was just never an option with my parents. I hate going to Wagner Ranch. I can't stand walking into the Miramonte gym. I can't deal with everyone telling me that I need to get over what happened! That you're not coming back! These coaches aren't you! How can I have respect for someone who has YOUR job? I can't even take them seriously half the time. I miss you, Darrell.
I need you so much right now. I had a rough summer, D. I didn't play basketball the entire month of July, and half of August. Mentally and emotionally I just wasn't able to commit myself to it. I wish I had though. I would have rather gone through any sort of physical pain that may have come with basketball than put up with the pain I've felt for the past three months. I'm heart-broken. God damn, I wish you were right by me right now. I'm pathetic; I can't keep myself from crying as I write this letter. I remember after I got kicked outta my mom's house you told me: "Lauren, I've dealt with over 100 girls in the past 10 years I've been coaching, and I have three kids. You can talk to me about anything". It's so true! That's what I'm trying to do right now but I can't seem to make any sense. Darrel, this girl that I'm heartbroken over is the girl of my dreams. She's better than my dreams... She's real. I had her. I every bit of her and I let it all go! I had the world in my arms and I completely dropped it. I know you would say that I'm young and there are plenty other girls out there, but think back to you and theresa! When you were in high school just starting to date. Did you ever think you guys weren't gonna make it? 40 years later you two were still going strong. That's what I wanted. That's what I had planned and I took it all for granted.
Darrell I need you. Come back! In December it will be a year that's past since your death. It doesn't seem that long ago. I think about you every day, and what you would say or do in the certain situations I find myself in. I love you, D.
Rest In Paradise,
Lauren
Where are you? Basketball season is starting again and it's finally my senior year. I hate playing basketball lately. Instead of it being enjoyable and fun, it's become something I dread doing. It's almost like a chore. If you were here, it'd be so different. I'd be itching for the season to start! I'd still keep in touch with DJ, Dustin, Trish and Austin. It was hard to play AAU this year. DJ has adopted so many subtle characteristics that you used to do... It was hard making it through the practices. I regret everyday not transferring after my sophomore year. I'm sorry! I remember you told me at the beginning of my sophomore year that you would have pulled Trish outta Miramonte if that same situation had happened. I tried though. It was just never an option with my parents. I hate going to Wagner Ranch. I can't stand walking into the Miramonte gym. I can't deal with everyone telling me that I need to get over what happened! That you're not coming back! These coaches aren't you! How can I have respect for someone who has YOUR job? I can't even take them seriously half the time. I miss you, Darrell.
I need you so much right now. I had a rough summer, D. I didn't play basketball the entire month of July, and half of August. Mentally and emotionally I just wasn't able to commit myself to it. I wish I had though. I would have rather gone through any sort of physical pain that may have come with basketball than put up with the pain I've felt for the past three months. I'm heart-broken. God damn, I wish you were right by me right now. I'm pathetic; I can't keep myself from crying as I write this letter. I remember after I got kicked outta my mom's house you told me: "Lauren, I've dealt with over 100 girls in the past 10 years I've been coaching, and I have three kids. You can talk to me about anything". It's so true! That's what I'm trying to do right now but I can't seem to make any sense. Darrel, this girl that I'm heartbroken over is the girl of my dreams. She's better than my dreams... She's real. I had her. I every bit of her and I let it all go! I had the world in my arms and I completely dropped it. I know you would say that I'm young and there are plenty other girls out there, but think back to you and theresa! When you were in high school just starting to date. Did you ever think you guys weren't gonna make it? 40 years later you two were still going strong. That's what I wanted. That's what I had planned and I took it all for granted.
Darrell I need you. Come back! In December it will be a year that's past since your death. It doesn't seem that long ago. I think about you every day, and what you would say or do in the certain situations I find myself in. I love you, D.
Rest In Paradise,
Lauren
9/19/2009
Two Birds-- Andrea Gibson
When you ran for Canada
I spent three and a half months screaming your name
Til I saw your feet cross the border
And I bunkered down in your cheerleader pajamas
To stare at the photograph of the two birds.
Two birds.
Give me one stone.
Or a rifle.
I’ll collect the feather pens from the ground
And pretend to write poems about Obama.
Remember how we fucked in the bathroom stall
during his inauguration at Invesco Field?
Later in the bleachers you held my hand and said.
“Look at Michelle. She is so in love.”
There were so many snipers in the stands
When the fireworks started
I was convinced we were being bombed.
For five minutes we sprinted through
The tunnel of the stairwell.
I kept saying, I love you, I love you , I love you, I love….
I thought for sure I would die in your arms.
Dear Love-
I hope Canada is beautiful.
I hope you rise to your feet
every time she sings her anthem.
I hope your hand is forever on your heart.
I hope your heart is forever safe.
Here at home
they are saying Obama
is not the saint we had hoped he’d be.
I wonder if you’d notice
that Michelle is still in love.
I spent three and a half months screaming your name
Til I saw your feet cross the border
And I bunkered down in your cheerleader pajamas
To stare at the photograph of the two birds.
Two birds.
Give me one stone.
Or a rifle.
I’ll collect the feather pens from the ground
And pretend to write poems about Obama.
Remember how we fucked in the bathroom stall
during his inauguration at Invesco Field?
Later in the bleachers you held my hand and said.
“Look at Michelle. She is so in love.”
There were so many snipers in the stands
When the fireworks started
I was convinced we were being bombed.
For five minutes we sprinted through
The tunnel of the stairwell.
I kept saying, I love you, I love you , I love you, I love….
I thought for sure I would die in your arms.
Dear Love-
I hope Canada is beautiful.
I hope you rise to your feet
every time she sings her anthem.
I hope your hand is forever on your heart.
I hope your heart is forever safe.
Here at home
they are saying Obama
is not the saint we had hoped he’d be.
I wonder if you’d notice
that Michelle is still in love.
9/07/2009
Call Me Naive
Sure, the chances of her coming back to me are slim to none, but I love her. I see her in my future, I see being with her for the rest of my life... Even if she doesnt. But I don't know what she's thinking so I'm not writing her off. Her and I are both going through shit and we have stuff in our lives that we need to figure out. I need to get my school life together in order for me to go to college, she needs to get her finances and family situation together for her to be less stressed. I know right now she doesnt want to be with me but that's okay. I'm surviving. I'm doin my own thing with school and lying low for a while. But I love her. And as hard as I've tried not to, it doesn't work. There are just some people that are worth fighting for and she's my person. Also, by no means am I putting my life on hold for her. I need to keep moving and hopefully one day she'll see what I've been trying to show her all along.
And no, you don't know what I'm going through. Call me naive but I was sure we were going to be together forever. I fucking messed up and I know that but god damn if I haven't tried everything to make it up to her and myself. You don't know how bad it hurts when I think back to the things we used to do. You don't know the regret I feel every single time I think of her. But I like feeling this way for her. I like knowing that I would do anything for her just because I care that much. And yeah, when I'm with my friends I'm happy, but that's temporary. I'm a happy person when I'm with her and I'm not going to give up on happiness. People can say what they want and they can give me their opinions on the situation but what matters is what I believe. And same goes for her. That's what I'm holding onto. Bottom line is I love her.
And no, you don't know what I'm going through. Call me naive but I was sure we were going to be together forever. I fucking messed up and I know that but god damn if I haven't tried everything to make it up to her and myself. You don't know how bad it hurts when I think back to the things we used to do. You don't know the regret I feel every single time I think of her. But I like feeling this way for her. I like knowing that I would do anything for her just because I care that much. And yeah, when I'm with my friends I'm happy, but that's temporary. I'm a happy person when I'm with her and I'm not going to give up on happiness. People can say what they want and they can give me their opinions on the situation but what matters is what I believe. And same goes for her. That's what I'm holding onto. Bottom line is I love her.
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