Happiness

Happiness isssss:

-Birkenstocks
-America's Next Top Model... On DVD!
-Adrianne from cycle one
-Girls
-Well... A certain girl.
-Halloween!
-First quarter being over
-Seeing Christina at the vollyball game
-New Music
-Getting butterflies
-My baby boy, Valentine!
-Powder Puff
-'Bed Head' hair clippers
-Valentine sticking out his tongue while he sleeps
-Chelsea Handler
-Smiling
-Scary Movies
-Getting up on time
-Fuzzy Duds
-Brothers
-Weight Lifting
-Boston Accents
-Winter


"If my heart was a compass, you'd be North"

Ten Years Erased

Ten years and you're gone
It didn't take long
You've withdrawn from my world
ALl my plans won't unfurl
So I drag my teeth on pearls
To keep from biting through my tongue
I may have made mistakes
But I was young
You don't know how badly your words stung
We just begun but you chose to run
Where the hell was your effort?
You never even called
I don't get it
I admit it:
I miss you all the time
But it's like a fucking crime
To mention you around the house
So I douse my mind in gasoline
Then light a match
I'm a machine
I can't feel a thing
Until the smoke clears
But you're still sitting here
And in the folds of my thoughts
You lie resting all day
I keep guessing all day
On why you went away
I may have left
But only for a minute
Then you left
I keep tryin to forget it
I went to Boston...
The leaves weer starting to turn
And your memory was starting to burn
A hole right through my sweater
But I'm getting better
I'll cut my leg and dive into the ocean
So the sharks can swallow me whole
I've digested mypain
And vowed to never feel the same
Way as I do now
How can I explain this to my mother?
My brother hates you too
But I can't open up to anyone but you
Where'd you go? Why'd you disappear?
I need you here
I can hear the chaos in my head
With all the things I never said
Now I'm left for dead
Because alone was the last place I wanted to be
If only you could see
My insides are starting to turn out
And you're still in my blood stream
Infecting my dreams
The seems to my heart
Are busting apart
What's left is my skeleton
So I hang myself in the closet
With past secrets and memories
Then I'll throw away the keys
You were the only one who knew me
The only one who cared
Now you have me second guessing
Everything taht we once shared
Ten years of my life
Don't mean shit anymore
Cause there's no more hope left
I'm hopeless
I quit wishing on the stars
And loose eye lashes
Cause as time passes
My half-empty glasses
Fall and crashes to the floor
I can try to glue them back together
They'll be more fragile than before
If only you cared a little bit more
Or cared any at all
I wouldn't have built such a fucking wall
To keep anyone from falling
In fatuation with me
Because that's all it really is
Love is an obsession
I've learned my lesson
What it is is lust
Cause there's no such thing as trust anymore
It's not ideal at all
It takes years to build up
But just seconds to fall
So fall in lust or fall in hate
Either way I'm not gonna wait
For fate to set a date
For them to bail
I always love them too late
Now it's getting so late
And I know you'll never read this
Cause my rearview mirror just met my fist
And I swore I'd never look back
I have a horrible knack
For fucking things up
I lack the motivation
So instead I hack away at my isolation
I stack the odds against me
I lost all my tact when I lost you
And packed my adolescence
Is this my lesson?
I think I'm destined to be alone
No therapy session can cure my depression
You were my best friend and my father
Swore you'd walk me down the aisle
So when you left so did my smile
I guess I slept cause I was in denial
I'd only give inches when you gave me miles
Should I have come home?
Would youhave stayed if I was there?
I was so scared
Now you're gone like a ghost into thin air
It's getting harder to breathe
I admit I was naive
But I never thought you would leave
That's always been my downfall
I just don't think at all
And now as I start to sink
And the rain is pouring down
All I see is your face
It's like a fucking race to see who can get to you first
Either me or society
It's been 10 months and still no word
I didn't knowit was so easy to leave behind an entire world
But I keep counting the seconds on the clocks
And as each minute passes
It looks like I've lost
The one man I would give my life for
You always wanted so much more
Than I could ever give
But I'd give you my hands if you couldn't feel
My ears so you could hear more clear
And my eyes for a new point of view
I fucking miss you
Like the tide misses the man on the moon
On the nights he just too tired to pull
I'd pull you back if I could
But I'm not that good
I don't have the power
To withstand through the very last hour
So I guess I quit

Permanance

There lies a certain illusory security in the idea of permanence.
Consistency is so utterly against the grain of human nature,
Yet we strive for it above all else.
Why?
Either out of trepidation of being alone,
& being forced to provide for ourselves…
Or something else.
Something deeper.
I know how it feels, but I can’t name or depict it.
It’s like a word that gets stuck at the tip of your tongue.
It’ll drive me insane until I can place it,
But it’s all I’ve been thinking about for weeks with no avail.
I want it back, but that’s not sensible.
Might as well learn now, & embrace that no person is permanent.
No situation will always be the same.
No place never changes.
All we can rely on is that we can rely on nothing at all.

I've Planted Seeds In My Heart

I've planted seeds in my heart
Where the cracks won't mend
But it won't matter
Cause I'm stuck in a drought
I guess I need to cool myself off
98.6 degrees will burn my seeds
And I need it to pour
Cause you tore my seems open
Then came back for more
I'll lock up my chest
Then swallow the key
So there's no way
You can walk through my veins
Or stomp on the seeds
You held my hand just like a leash
You kept dragging me along
Leading me on - I just want peace
In myself, in my mind, in my world
But you're still the girl
Who made my life spin
It should be sin
The things you did to me
I collect my tears in a paper cup
Swallow them down then crush it up
Like you crushed me up
Like you fucked me up
Let it rain for days
So I can drown my heart
And let it grow into a fucking forrest
I'll search the trees for a brighter meaning
Memorize the paths I take
And don't let them crossover
I've made that mistake
I stitched you a sunrise and I drew you a sun
You're still inside me, you've made yourself home
But outside its still 90's, withering all my thoughts
I'll run ice over my skin
So it can seep through my pores
Flood you out of my greenhouse
What's mine is not yours

Falling With the Leaves

Lately I've been falling with the leaves
To the sound of your breathing
Every time you inhale
Another part of me drifts down
And I'm scattered on the ground
Like you're scattered through my mind
I keep trying to rake myself together
Into a pile on your porch step
But I just can't fight the wind
So I'm left here wasting time
By filling up my notebooks
With "writer's block" folded up
Into the crossroads of my brain
So you're my excuse not to write
Last night I watched the moon shine
And I swear I saw your face
I made a wish on a plane passing by
Cause nothing is ever as it seems
Mistake a plane for a star
Mistake a name for who you are
I read your smile like a love letter
Saying
"I don't regret her.. I just don't get her"
I was always jealous of the porch lights
Cause from far they look like the moon
They are what they aren't
Until they finally burn out