They Speak The Truth

"I'm still mad at you, and I don't know if I trust you. I wanna trust you but I don't know if I do, so I'm just gonna try, I'm gonna try and trust you because I believe we can be extrodinary together rather than ordinary apart."


"We all think we’re going to be great and we feel a little bit robbed when our expectations aren’t met. But sometimes expectations sell us short. Sometimes the expected simply pales in comparison to the unexpected. You got to wonder why we cling to our expectations, because the expected is just what keeps us steady. Standing. Still, the expected's just the beginning, the unexpected is what changes our lives."


"If there's just one piece of advice I can give you, it's this -- when there's something you really want, fight for it, don't give up no matter how hopeless it seems. And when you've lost hope, ask yourself , if 10 years from now, you're going to wish you gave it one more shot. Because the best things in life... they don't come free."


"No. Sometimes we'd be at the same place at exactly the same time and I can almost hear her voice. It's like I'm touching her. I like to believe she knows I'm there. That's all you get. That's it. Moments with the people you love. And they'll move on and you'll want them to move on. But still, that's all you get. Moments."


"We don't get unlimited chances to have the things that we want, and this I know. Nothing is worse than missing an opportunity that could have changed your life."


"Okay, here it is, your choice... it's simple, her or me, and I'm sure she is really great. But Derek, I love you, in a really, really big pretend to like your taste in music, let you eat the last piece of cheesecake, hold a radio over my head outside your window, unfortunate way that makes me hate you, love you. So pick me, choose me, love me."


"Time flies. Time waits for no man. Time heals all wounds. All any of us wants is more time. Time to stand up. Time to grow up. Time to let go. Time."

Lua

I know that it is freezing, but I think we have to walk
I keep waving at the taxis, they keep turning their lights off
But Julie knows a party at some actor's West side loft
Supplies are endless in the evening by the morning they'll be gone
When everything is lonely I can be my own best friend
I'll get a coffee and the paper, have my own conversations
with the sidewalk and the pigeons and my window reflection
The mask I polish in the evening by the morning looks like shit
And I know you have a heavy heart, I can feel it when we kiss
So many men stronger than me have thrown their backs out trying to lift it
But me I'm not a gamble, you can count on me to split
The love I sell you in the evening by the morning won't exist
You're looking skinny like a model with your eyes all painted black
Just keep going to the bathroom, always say you'll be right back
Well, it takes one to know one, kid, I think you've got it bad
But what's so easy in the evening by the morning's such a drag
I got a flask inside my pocket, we can share it on the train
And if you promise to stay conscious I will try and do the same
We may die from medication, but we sure killed all the pain
But what was normal in the evening by the morning seems insane
And I'm not sure what the trouble was that started all of this
The reasons all have run away, but the feeling never did
It's not something I would recommend, but it is one way to live
Cause what is simple in the moonlight by the morning never is
It was so simple in the moonlight now it's so complicated
It was so simple in the moonlight, so simple in the moonlight
So simple in the moonlight...

If You Seek Amy

10 things on my mind right now:
1 - My physical pain
2 - English class
3 - How much you still hurt me
4 - How I need to start focusing
5 - How cold my hands are
6 - My phone is dying
7 - How I still get angry at you
8 - Chelsey got me a shirt =]
9 - My superman pj's
10 -My hair

9 things people don't know about me:
1 - I'm insecure/self-conscious
2 - I'm scared of rejection. Absolutely terrified
3 - I'm more girly than most think. I'm also more manly.
4 - I regret more than I admit
5 - I love writing/reading
6 - I love poetry
7 - I love art
8 - I wish I could act. Like in theater.
9 - I'm scared of the dark

8 ways to win my heart:
1 - Love isn't a game
2 - My heart isn't something to be won
3- It's not a prize
4 - I have a close watch on my heart
5 - So no one can steal it, either.
6 - Cause i've played too many games
7 - It's not fun
8- anymore.

7 awesome movies (in no order...):
1 - Imagine me and you
2 - Lost and Delirious
3 - Lion King
4 - A league of their own
5 - Love and Basketball
6 - Dirty Dancing Havanah Nights
7 - Remember the Titans

6 things I do before I go to sleep:
1 - Take a shower
2 - Hug my dad
3 - Say goodnight to anyone I'm talking to
4 - Take pills
5 - Write
6 - Get warm

5 people I talked to on the phone in the past week:
1 - Christina
2 - Caitlin
3 - Courtney
4 - Ashbash
5 - Mike

4 things I don't like:
1 - Being Played
2 - Losing
3 - The dark
4 - Christmas Carols

3 things I do like:
1 - Girls
2 - Basketball
3 - Laughing

2 things to do before I die:
1 - Go to college
2 - Become a teacher

1 confession...
1. Never Again

there are such things as 'life or death' decisions

On the other end of the phone line my friend says, "Lauren, life will come at you like bullets to a beating heart." I say, "You're right. And the wind will move you so far away you can't turn back. Life will grip you around your next leaving marks the size of golf balls." We both stop. Down the hall, 3rd door on your right, her soul is dwindling down along with others while angels pull but their souls cant let go. The angels' wings are as white as the walls around them; their voices-the tick of the clock. Counting down the seconds till they win the battle. 27 tiles with cracks through each one allows the family's hopes and prayers to slip out the ceiling. I hear tears fall down her cheeks on the other side of the phone and she whispers, "I'll be seeing you soon." Her words choke me and freeze me in time. Nobody knows, but she knows I know. The sound of the dial tone echoes through my veins while I'm spitting out convictions to all I've ever known. The tension is thick enough to slit with a blade; the same blade that's been cutting us down night after night, sleeplessly running on coffee. "Don't fall asleep... Not tonight." No one dares to admit to their thoughts. So they wait. Avoiding eye contact with the ironed white coats for fear their fears will come alive, cause what you don't know won't hurt you nearly as much as false hope. Time is running thin and the breaths he takes are fragile. They wait. The chaos in their minds aren't enough to kill the silence. The walls move too close in on you... Think fast. What will you do? The angels come back but this time not as white, this time their voices could fill an auditorium. On the other end of the phone line my friend says, "They're still undefeated."

I sleep backbone to floorboard 'cause it's softer than regret

1. I don't know what I'm gonna do without ya next year. You've been my rock.. SOmeone I can talk to at 2 in the morning about anything. I'm so thankful to have you in my life. USC forever, right? =]
2. Freshmen math class started it all =] haha. Thank you for stickin by me even though i've gone MIA a few times.
3. I know it's not your home anymore but it sucks when you say you have nothing here to get excited over when you come back. I count down the days everytime you come home and all you have back there is her. And you're not even with her. I wish I made you excited like she does.
4. You don't know what love is.
5. You broke through and brought the real me out. You're the reason I am who I am today. PS-I go to that spot, whenever I need to think, or make decisions, etc. Look on the far left bench.
6. I'm surprised you still talk to me. I look up to you in so many ways and you inspire me unlike anyone I've ever met. You put up with my complaining and whining and you listen. You're great.
7. You're not ready. It's not that I don't appreciate it or that I'm overlooking it... You just aren't ready and I don't want to be the one who pushes you or forces anything on you.
8. You were always the best and I used to be so jealous of you when we were growing up. Even though you're the prefered child, I still love you.
9. You're the most confusing person I've ever met. Flat out.
10. You're impossible to please but I keep trying.
11. Slow down kid, where's the fire at?
12. You're sweet =)
13. Everytime I think about it I get angry. But I cant seem to stay mad. Which makes me even more mad.
14. You would be 13 this year.
15. I wouldn't make it through chem without you.

Deja Vu

I feel sick to my stomach

My hands are shaking so hard

And my palms are sweaty

Every time I think of you my stomach turns

In knots and more knots and more knots

And nausea takes over till I fall to the ground

The room wont stop spinning

Someone make it stop spinning

Because every time I get up from one of your hits

I always fall back down

In the same position I had fallen before

My body starts to ache and my back is weak

The only cure I know won't be enough

wont ever be enough again

I'm immune to it

I've dealt with it time and time again

That I don't feel better anymore

My muscles tense and my sight is fading

Get me outta this light

Shove me in the dark with my feelings

And we can hide there

Under the covers that cover our mistakes

And we can be happy

Maybe only for a moment

Maybe for just one night

Maybe for one split second when you realize

I'm terrified of the dark; so you'll laugh

And your voice will wash over me like water

And I'll swim through your words till something grabs hold of me

And your waves grow bigger and your words-sharper

The water moves me faster into the daggers

That were once your sweet, innocent words

I cant find the shore, I'm sinking

Running out of breathe I see you there reaching out your hand

But you're getting farther and farther away

Impossible to reach

Then you turn your back like lightening

Leaving me to wave; to drown

Like you knew what would happen

Like you've been here before

And you have

Deja Vu.

Anything--Andrae Gibson

This is the second half of Anything. I was listening to it on my way back from practice and i really like it.


and i know it doesn't make sense
i know we decided to be just friends
but i didn't think we'd be just friends forever
i mean...
i wanted to be eighty together
wanted to birth poems like babies together
and watch them grow up to save the world
cause girl
you're the only one who could ever raise the sun inside me
and i swear the ground beneath my feet
is only soft when you walk beside me
there were times i thought i was so lost
even god would never find me
and then you came up right behind me
and kissed a cross onto my back
and its things like that that got me going crazy
cause i was thinking maybe the breaths we'd take together
would make us live forever
and now you're killing me
look at me i'm dying
not even trying to evolve when
i wanted to be there forty years from now
when the doctor called to say
your mother might not make it another day
and i wasn't gonna be just ok
i was gonna be perfect
was gonna make my love feel
like the first time you rode your bike without training wheels
kneel before you every day
like there was no one else before you
cause i've heard your heart beat
like that breeze that could bring any violence to its knees
and the best lines i've ever written
i plagiarized every word from the thoughts of yours
i heard while you were just sittin in silence
staring up at mars
but you never wish on shooting stars
you wish on the ones
that have the courage to shine where they are
no matter how dark the night
no matter how hard the fight
and how now do i turn away from that light
when i wanted to be eighty with you
birth babies like poems with you
and let them write themselves
wanted to hold your heart to my ear like a sea-shell
til i could hear the tides of every tear you've ever cried
then build islands in the seas of your eyes
so you'd see there's land to swim to
hold your hand and say storms are born
from the same sky we write hymns to when the sun shines
sometimes it takes tempests to wake rainbows
that will wind our pain into halos
was gonna carve your name into my wrist
so my pulse could kiss you
was gonna love you so well
i'd wake every morning
and tell you things like this...
bliss is the moments you're with me
when your gone my life hurts like hell
but i'll do anything to make you happy
even if it means setting you free
to be with someone else

Simbaaaaaa

-I used to have a star named after me. We called it Lily.
-Did you know that the word 'ronan' means 'little seal' in, like, celtic?
-1.2.3 i love you 1.2.3 i love you 1.2.3
-In a perfect world love wouldn't have limits.
-I've always wanted dog tags.
-Driving aimlessly is a good way to clear your mind
-saying "I love you but..." isnt saying "i love you" at all.
-I used to watch GSN all the time.
-Word of advice: Give your heart what it deserves.
-My lucky boxers didnt turn out to be so lucky after all.
-'Holden'. Cause im alwayd holdin you.
-Absence makes the heart grow fonder... Or forgetful.
-I wanna hold your hand.
-I like to use acronyms... like BG.
-My hamster is really curious, that's why we named him Simba.

The things we do for the people we love

"Love is like the ocean rather than the grindstone."



This statement is so true. If you actually think about it and look at it as something more than a cliche or corny line, you might see it. This speaks so many truths in one simple sentence.



Oceans are dangerous places. They pull then push you. They're playful and mysterious. They often leave you colder than you were when you started. Very similar to love. The funny thing is, is that people know the risks they're taking every time they jump in the ocean. They risk their lives with every step in the water. They've all heard of shark attacks, and storms and the dangers that come along with swimming in the ocean, yet they still do it. Time after time again they take chances, hoping this time will be different.



The grindstone is boring. It's repetitive and predictable and you always end up in pain. The sad thing is that people view love as a grindstone. They know exactly what's going to happen and how it's gonna happen and they prepare themselves for the hurt. Because they know it's coming. But for some people, the grindstone is all they know.



Love is something people should look forward to. If it feels like a chore to you, then try something else. Leave the grindstone.



The ocean is this big space of the unknown. I think that's part of why people keep going back to it. It also gives off a false sense of hope, which is why it's preferred over the grindstone. The bottom line with the grindstone is pain, but for the ocean you never know. "Maybe this time things will go my way" or "I know how to conquer the sea!". The fact is, though, is that the ocean is stronger than any person no matter how you want to look at it. Like the emotion of love is stronger than people like to admit. You can't predict how the waves are going to act on certain days and you can't control if or who you love.



I guess the risks that people are willing to take and the danger they put themselves in every time they go to the ocean is worth the chance to feel loved by just one other person. They take the pulls and they out smart the games and know that the chances of being left alone, in the middle of the ocean, colder than before, is worth the chance of falling in love. This completely contradicts human nature. Human nature is to survive; everyone has a survival instinct inside of them, even if they haven't found it yet. When it comes to love, or the ocean, people push that instinct out. They want that big wave that will push them over the edge, they wanna fall and trust the someone will be there to catch them.



All there's left to do now is run, jump and hold your breathe as you dive head first into the ocean. Always be cautious of the risk factors and the chances you take, but not too cautious. ;]

December 19th

On December 19th I'm getting a cortisone injection in my hand and I hate needles. =[. Apparently it's a pretty thick/long needle and I'm gonna cry! haha.

It's okay, 'cause I'm making Caitlin come with me. So I'll squeeze her hand so she gets the pain lol

Love you buddy wuddy!

AHHH

Tell me what this means to YOU.

"But what if this should become more & more incredible, if nothing should prove to be divine anymore unless it were error, blindless, the lie- if God himself should prove to be our most enduring lie?"

Oh no, don't go changing...

Change is inevitable. One of the few things in lief that you can count on to be consistent is change. People don't find who they are or want to be and then just sit around the rest of their life with no one around them. That would be boring.. And a waste. The people around us change who we are. You might meet someone one day and they change you without even noticing it. Then another person and another person and so forth and that's what makes you who you are.

You can also tell how a person has changed by the people they've loved. It's very rare that a couple in high school will go on and get married and live together for the rest of their lives. I'm not saying it's impossible, but very unlikely. That doesn't mean not to take the relationships you're in now seriously. You may be in a relationship in high school for only 8 months, but that relationship might be the most important one for you and you're future partner. With every relationship you learn something new that you either like or dislike about the type of person you want. You take a little something with you from each relationship until eventually you know what type of relationship you want to be in. It's sort of like a game. Love battleship, if you will.

I don't believe there is only one person for you. That's sort of depressing if you think about it. I believe there are a handful of people that you just... Work with, or match with and you can be happy. Like I said, love battleship. First you go for someone with a certain character trait but realize you can't live with that. Mark that down as a miss. Then you date someone with a different trait and you find you're content with them. That may be a hit. And you can keep on doing this until you find someone who has the most hits. There is never going to be someone 100% perfect for you. That would be boring also. The best you can hope for is just a really, really good partner.

It's also good to be able to fight or argue in relationships. There was this one couple my teacher was talking about the other day that has been married for 3 years and have never had an argument. That's impossible, right? Wrong. Example: The man and woman went out to eat one night and they wanted to split desert. The lady says she wants the lemon pie but the husband wants the chocolate cake. Immediately this woman changes her mind and agrees with chocolate cake. No wonder they never fought. She never confronted him about what she wants. That's not healthy. I think maybe like 1 argument every 10 days is pretty fair.

We change others, also. Friends, family, gf/bf's feed off of each other. I guarantee from the time you meet someone to the time you're best friends, you've changed. But it's okay. People shouldn't be afraid of chaneg, they should embrace it. It's one of the only things you can really count on in life. If something changes you, let it, because odds are someone is changing with you.


"People can change, but they don't. They don't because it's easier not to. We're always waiting for our lives to begin, like, figuring we'll be somebody else someday. But what are we waiting for? All we have is now."

And even though you're gone, you will never be forgotten

I told you I would write to you, or call you up some time. I guess some time flew by, sometimes too fast to catch a piece. Like today. One minute you're fine the next you're gone? This is a joke, isn't it? Like the ones we used to play on you in the middle of practice. "He's outside..everyone be quiet and get behind the curtain!" We thought we were so sneaky every time we did it. Every time. But you're not talking, say something. You're tricking us, aren't you? You used to try so hard to be mad at us when we played the 'Quiet Game' but you never could. You understood us. "I've coached over 100 girls in my carreer... I know how to act." And you did. Where you went, we followed. Where you pushed us, we trusted you to catch us. Where do we go from here? You were our protection. Our home away from home. As a matter of fact, I think we spent more time together as a team than with our own families. Because we were our own family. It's not just a ritual to say before every game.. It means something. "Family on three...One two three..Family!" You can't protect us anymore. We have to trust that you've prepared us enough to take control. And in a way you always have been preparing us. The things you taught on the court were also lessons off. We just needed to open our eyes. "The only way to beat pressure is to attack it." Who knew? Instead of shying away from pressure because you're scared of making a mistake-attack the point of which the pressure is applied.
Wake up! I still need you...We still need you. You're not done yet.
Will you watch over us? I know those shooting stars can get kinda distracting and the way your mind works I'm sure you'll have plenty of things to do. I bet where ever you are there's a huge Starbucks with an unlimited amount of straws! haha you and your coffee. Will you lead us from above? You were the only person we [the team] trusted 100% to be for us. On our side. Now what do we do?
I have to say though, for you, it was almost a perfect way to leave; doing exactly what you love. Basketball wasn't just a game to you... It was your religion. I remember Katie making a comment about going to church one morning and you responded, "Me too. I was at the gym for 2 hours." And you were. Every Sunday morning 10-12am, keeping in shape so you could run with us at practice.
This world has a funny way of working, huh? I'm gonna listen to my gut and know that everything happens for a reason... So somehow, someday, I know there will be a reason. Good people like you don't just leave and fade away. It doesn't work like that. You're my hero. I mean that with everything I have. No matter what situation you were in you would find a way to beat it and still have a smile on your face! We're gonna be okay, I promise. Because I know that in the back of everyone's mind they're thinking of you. We'll fulfill the dreams you had for us. Cause that's what family is for.
Rest In Paradise
-Lauren #11-

The climb can kill you long before the fall

We all have a weakness

But some of ours are easy to identify.

Look me in the eye

And ask for forgiveness;

We'll make a pact to never speak that word again

Yes you are my friend.

We all have something that digs at us,

At least we dig each other

So when weakness turns my ego up

I know you'll count on the me from yesterday

If I turn into another

Dig me up from under what is covering

The better part of me

Sing this song

Remind me that we'll always have each other

When everything else is gone.

We all have a sickness

That cleverly attaches and multiplies

No matter how we try.

We all have someone that digs at us,

At least we dig each other

So when sickness turns my ego up

I know you'll act as a clever medicine.

"It was so quiet you could hear hearts break"

I guess I should've been more like her

I heard this song today and I just liked it. It's a pretty song and she's a great singer. Props to country music hahah


She's beautiful in her simple little way
She don't have too much to say when she gets mad
She understands she don't let go of anything
Even when the pain gets really bad
Guess I should've been more like that

You had it all for a pretty little while
And some how you made me smile when I was sad
You took a chance on a bruised and beaten heart
Then you realized you wanted what you had
I guess I should've been more like that

I should have held on to my pride
I should have never let you lie
I guess you got what you deserved
I guess I should've been more like her

Forgiving you, she's stronger than I am
You don't look much like a man from where I'm at
It's plain to see desperation showed it's truth
You love her and she loves you with all she has
I guess I should've been more like that

This is cool to read

I hate the way you talk to me, and the way you cut your hair.

I hate the way you drive my car. I hate it when you stare.

I hate your big dumb combat boots, and the way you read my mind.

I hate you so much it makes me sick; it even makes me rhyme.

I hate it, I hate the way you're always right.

I hate it when you lie. I hate it when you make me laugh, even worse when you make me cry.

I hate it when you're not around, and the fact that you didn't call.

But mostly I hate the way I don't hate you.

Not even close, not even a little bit, not even at all.