Titanic

I grew up in the town that recieved the first distress signal saying the Titanic was going down it was the only thing we were ever reknowned for in fact we prided ourselves and our failure to save the sinking which is maybe part of the reason I prided myself when drinking my first fifth of whiskey at 11 years old it's cold where I come from I learned to drown young at 14 I showed up to my 8 a.m. high school class so drunk that my art teacher took a month long sabbatical to reevaluate her ability to make the world a better place when she returned she had a face like a gravestone with an already passed death date I sometimes wonder if I killed her which is maybe part of the reason I sometimes paint this world prettier than it is have you ever had the feeling you owe somebody somewhere a really good reason to live to grow old to be 98 and a half to laugh like broken glass so whenever folks walk barefoot they get hidden pieces embedded in their souls I've spent too many years sewing my tears together with thread and hanging them like christmas lights spent too many nights watching the sun set on the edge of a knife don't wanna let myself or anybody else drown anymore so call this poem shore so when the message in the bottle finally arrives it's not gonna ask us what broke us in half it's gonna ask us why we survived why did we dance when his beloved died why did new orleans carry saxophones on their backs when they swam for their lives why did the childeren search the sky for the moon and their wounds were still open as hopes suicide note when the stars were still bleeding why did frida kahlo sculpt the paint brush from her scars my mother my mother says the real thing about chairs is they keep you looking up says forrests may be gorgeous but there's nothing more alive than a tree that gross in a cemetary and sometimes its the cup thats half empty that fills the heart so full it could pull a bow above the strings of a combat boot and make it sing like God cutting loose on the dance floor of heaven two years ago my niece's eyes kept the needle from my sisters veins for the very first time if I could collect that day the sweat from her shaking palms the cramps knotting like a noose in her gut I would have the stuff of monarchs taking flight of night when the smoke of burning flags floats across our borders like a kiss it hit 170 degrees in the locked trailer of the trunk the women locked hands and sang so hard the Texas desert shook so hard like the hearts of the folks who would find them still alive why did when we dance why did new orleans carry saxophones on their backs we have cried so hard our tears have left scars on our cheek bones but who finds the way home by the shortcuts you wrote your first poem on a homophobe's fist you wrote your first poem on your mother's dying wish I wrote this line on my own slit wrist sometimes it's the metal in the wind chimes that reminds us how soft the breeze is sometimes it's when we're lost that we realize we arrive that the soul is a mozaic from a thousand different pieces I will meet you in the cracks I will meet you when the heart tears itself in half to fit the sun inside I will meet you where we shine where we shine where we fucking shine

You're talented at breathing... Especially exhaling.

These are fun to do when you're just passin the time. Fun to read as well. So I did one for you all.. It's kinda cool cause you learn stuff about yourself that you really haven't thought about, ya kno? Here it goes...

Do you think​ the last perso​n you kisse​d cares​ for you?
oh, not at all

Think​ of the last perso​n who said I love you, do you think​ they meant​ it?
my mom? thats a joke

Do you have empty​ alcoh​ol bottl​es hidde​n anywh​ere?​
thats not my style

Do you have a tempe​r?​
workin on it

Do you want to be in a relat​ionsh​ip?​
its not anywhere in my agenda but I could make time

Regre​t anyth​ing?​
more than I like to admit

Are you sarca​stic?​
usually

Would​ you move to anoth​er count​ry to be with the one you love?​
why not? I was gonna eventually move to a different state.

Do you think​ you'​ll be a good mothe​r/​ fathe​r?​
I like to think so

Would​ you ever get a tatto​o?​
plannin on it

What are you liste​ning to?
south park

Could​ you go out in publi​c looki​ng like you do now?
i did all day

This time last Octob​er,​ what was your love life like?​
oh man... I was head over heeeeeels

Do you belie​ve in celeb​ratin​g anniv​ersar​ies?​
every month

Do you prefe​r hot or cold weath​er?​
cool it down

Are you datin​g the last perso​n you kisse​d on the lips?​
noooo

Who did you kiss on midni​ght on New Years​ ?
doesnt matter

Is there​ anyon​e who under​stand​s your relat​ionsh​ip statu​s?​
not too hard to get

Has anyon​e ever calle​d you a bad influ​ence?​​
probably =/

What was the last thing​ you cried​ about​?​​
oh this girl

Do you like the song "I Kisse​d A Girl"​​ by Katy Perry​?​​
not at all

Are you a good drive​r?​​
i've got a license...that's all that matters =P

Does anyon​e call you baby?​​
friends

What'​​s the wallp​aper to your cellp​hone?​​
the trees in the fall at regis college haha

If all your frien​ds went on a road trip where​ would​ you go to?
haha australia!! (yes... roadtrip...figure that one out)

If you could​ move out of the house​ right​ now would​ you?
probably not. me and my dad have a cool situation.

Have you ever been in love?
Once

Do you belie​ve in love?​​
I do

Are you too forgi​ving?​​
i can be

Have you been to North​ Carol​ina?​​
negative

Do you ever wanna​ know who you'​​re going​ to marry​?​​
it would be cool to know i guess... But that takes the fun outta everything

Would​ you rathe​r live in Alask​a,​​ or Texas​?​​
i like the texan accents

Do you think​ your last ex deser​ves to die?
not at all

Do you think​ you can last in a relat​ionsh​ip for 3 month​s?​​
easily

Are you happy​?​​
gettin there

Do you curre​ntly have a hicke​y?​​
nope

Would​ you rathe​r stay home all day, or be out and about​?​​
out and about

When was the last time you saw your numbe​r 1?
august 30th =[

What are you looki​ng forwa​rd to in the next 4 days?​​
halloweeeeeeen =D

If you can't let it be, might as well make it bleed

Everything Happens For A Reason.Everything Happens For A Reason.Everything Happens For A Reason.Everything Happens For A Reason.Everything Happens For A Reason.Everything Happens For A Reason.Everything Happens For A Reason.Everything Happens For A Reason.Everything Happens For A Reason.Everything Happens For A Reason.Everything Happens For A Reason.Everything Happens For A Reason.Everything Happens For A Reason.Everything Happens For A Reason.Everything Happens For A Reason.Everything Happens For A Reason.Everything Happens For A Reason.Everything Happens For A Reason.Everything Happens For A Reason.Everything Happens For A Reason.Everything Happens For A Reason.Everything Happens For A Reason.Everything Happens For A Reason.Everything Happens For A Reason. MAYBE IF I SAY IT ENOUGH I'LL START TO BELIEVE IT. Everything Happens For A Reason.Everything Happens For A Reason.Everything Happens For A Reason.Everything Happens For A Reason.Everything Happens For A Reason.Everything Happens For A Reason.Everything Happens For A Reason.Everything Happens For A Reason.Everything Happens For A Reason.Everything Happens For A Reason.Everything Happens For A Reason.Everything Happens For A Reason.Everything Happens For A Reason.Everything Happens For A Reason.Everything Happens For A Reason.Everything Happens For A Reason.Everything Happens For A Reason.Everything Happens For A Reason.Everything Happens For A Reason.Everything Happens For A Reason.Everything Happens For A Reason.Everything Happens For A Reason.Everything Happens For A Reason.Everything Happens For A Reason.Everything Happens For A Reason.

I'll give you the roses now but I left in the thorns

Here's a story that I never really told it's not very young but it's not too old once upon a time when love wasnt a crime where romeo could walk and drop a rhyme there were two young lovers driftin in space life wasnt a race that wasnt the case they would hold each other in a warm embrace and knew that their love couldn't be replaced they took each other in and they breathed each other out forever together they had no doubt they would spout out words like rain in a drought and they'd yell and scream and even shout at each other but that wasnt enough to break them apart they're bond was tough stuff tried to cuff them away things got rough but they pushed and they pulled against what they were told things got cold inside and out but they were bold and eventually would mold into one and thats when they begun having their fun they were like laces but couldnt be undone they were tied and spun life had no worries they had time in control they stole the heart and became the soul they were whole not a hole the be found now this part of the story isnt quite so profound less and less they were on the same ground they were bound round the squares corners but they found their love was run into the ground and soon enough their ending came around listen because the story I'm telling is true pay attention cause next it'll be you I saw this happen with my own two eyes I'll try to summarise both their disguise and their cries but one too many lies no surprise there were goodbyes so guys listen here i'll be short and clear they were both too deaf to hear their hearts try to steer their fear away to disappear if they saw what they were doing I have no doubt things would be changed things would be rearranged too late now there was already an exchange out with the old in with the new I hate to say it but this story is true.

Make Music... Not War!

Dear Jamie I've got a letter I would like to send
It's lacking strings of words with punctuation at the end.
Should I trust this dialect?
To convey the right effect?
Dear Jamie I've got some things I'd like to set in pen
I would have used a pencil but lead's just not permanent.
Should I trust my printer's ink?
To express the things I think?
Every page I tried my best to think of something to contest
With inside jokes and all the folks could have much more to say
Dear Jamie this envelope will represent my heart
I'll seal it, send it off and wish it luck with its depart.
This stamp will be every action that carry my affection
Across the air and land and sea
Should I trust the postage due?
To deliver my heart to you?
Give you all I can
Flower and a hand
I hope this helps you see
Signed Sincerely me.



Take me out tonight
Where there's music and there's people
And they're young and alive
Driving in your car
I never never want to go home
Because I haven't got one
Anymore
Take me out tonight
Because I want to see people and I
Want to see life
Driving in your car
Oh, please don't drop me home
Because it's not my home, it's their
Home, and I'm welcome no more
And if a double-decker bus
Crashes into us
To die by your side
Is such a heavenly way to die
And if a ten-ton truck
Kills the both of us
To die by your side
Well, the pleasure - the privilege is mine



And I'm finally here
So come open your door
I've come all of this way
For one look at your face
So here's empty me; spilling everything
And you're still a mystery; and it's still like a dream
It's our priceless little thing
So hold it up for all to see
And we've come this far and I swear
It's just the begining
And what can I say to show her my love?
Nothing is good enough for my baby girl
And what can I do to show her my love?
Nothing is good enough
Whisper something special into my ear
To occupy my mind cause it's a long drive back home
And I'll drive safely because you'll ask me to
I'll call when I get home
Home where I'm alone
The useless things I see surrounded by
The things we don't need
And I don't think that I'll find
Your comfort in the lips of someone else




"Unless your heart, soul, and your whole being are behind every decision you make, the words from your mouth will be empty, and each action will be meaningless. Truth and confidence are the roots to happiness."

When you get to the end of your rope, tie a knot and hold on

"It's about total committment, either you do it... Or just walk away. There is no turning back ever. Life is an adventure... Or you are just another spectator, sitting on the side, wishing, dreaming you had the strength and determination."

Because they finish your sentences...

I can count on you for everything.
I need you in my life.
You're so far away and sometimes I feel so alone, but then you call.
And I always smile and laugh with you.
Thank you so much for listening to me complain about girls, my mom, my family, my meds.
You are my rock.
You keep me grounded.
I don't know who I would be without you.
You have overcome so many challenges and you truly inspire me.
I would give anything to become half the person you are.
I've grown so much by you.
With you.
I feel like I've known you my whole life when it's really been merely a year.
I've always believed there's someone for everyone and you're my bestest friend everrrrr =D.
I'm so happy that we're close and I appreciate you more than I show.
Only a year and some months till I'm goin to college with you, buddy!
So make up your mind on where you wanna end up haha.
I know you'll always have my back and I've got yours- that's what makes best friends.
I love you, buddy wuddy!!


"A true friend is one who walks in when the rest of the world walks out."

Love is not a victory march

This is my favorite poem by my favorite poet. The first time I heard it was in july//august and ever since it's been love hahahahah

I wish I was a photograph
tucked into the corners of your wallet
I wish I was a photograph
you carried like a future in your back pocket
I wish I was that face you show to strangers
when they ask you where you come from
I wish I was that someone that you come from
every time you get there
and when you get there
I wish I was that someone who got phone calls
and postcards saying
wish you were here
I wish you were here
autumn is the hardest season
the leaves are all falling
and they're falling like they're falling in love with the ground
and the trees are naked and lonely
I keep trying to tell them
new leaves will come around in the spring
but you can't tell trees those things
they're like me they just stand there
and don't listen
I wish you were here
I've been missing you like crazy
I've been hazy eyed
staring at the bottom of my glass again
thinking of that time when it was so full
it was like we were tapping the moon for moonshine
or sticking straws into the center of the sun
and sipping like icarus would forever kiss
the bullets from our guns
I never meant to fire you know
I know you never meant to fire lover
I know we never meant to hurt each other
now the sky clicks from black to blue
and dusk looks like a bruise
I've been wrapping one night stands
around my body like wedding bands
but none of them fit in the morning
they just slip off my fingers and slip out the door
and all that lingers is the scent of you
I once swore if I threw that scent into a wishing well
all the wishes in the world would come true
do you remember
do you remember the night I told you
I've never seen anything more perfect than
than snow falling in the glow of a street light
electricity bowing to nature
mind bowing to heartbeat
this is gonna hurt bowing to I love you
I still love you like moons love the planets they circle around
like children love recess bells
I still hear the sound of you
and think of playgrounds
where outcasts who stutter
beneath braces and bruises and acne
are finally learning that their rich handsome bullies
are never gonna grow up to be happy
I think of happy when I think of you
so wherever you are I hope you're happy
I really do
I hope the stars are kissing your cheeks tonight
I hope you finally found a way to quit smoking
I hope your lungs are open and breathing your life
I hope there's a kite in your hand
that's flying all the way up to orion
and you still got a thousand yards of string to let out
I hope you're smiling
like god is pulling at the corners of your mouth
cause I might be naked and lonely
shaking branches for bones
but I'm still time zones away
from who I was the day before we met
you were the first mile
where my heart broke a sweat
and I wish you were here
I wish you'd never left
but mostly I wish you well
I wish you my very very best

It don't show what's deep inside or read between the lines

This weekend was insane! I usually have nothing to do on the weekends except basketball, but not this time. Damn, I'm tired.

Friday night: I was with my dad because I haven't really hung out with him lately. I missed him. So we went to go get ice cream at cold stone and then we went on a drive. It was a pretty random drive I must say, but it was fun. We went to alamo and we visited our old old old house; the one we lived in before my parents got a divorce and before I moved to New Hampshire. It was kinda cool. It looks the exact same, so does the neighbor hood. I miss living out there, it was nice.

Saturday: I woke up at about 930 and went to Hayley's house. She made me chocolate chip pancakes for my birthday =] and Macy brought over balloons. It was really fun. I haven't had much time to hang out with those two but they are my favorite kids at miramonte! At about 1pm I left to go meet up with my gooooood friend Seneca in WC. She had moved to England this past summer and she was home for a few days so we met up. We went shopping for winter clothes for her, which was extremely hard to find in California during the fall, and we spent a few hours there. From there I went to San Ramon to check up on a friend I haven't seen in ages. Alex =]. Her little brother who is about 6 years old had a soccer game that I went to go watch, he is my favorite little boy in the world! I met Alex's boyfriend, Tyler, and he is such a great guy. I'm so happy they're together. I definitely approve =P. I had dinner with her family and left at about 830pm to meet with my basketball team. Our coach called us and wanted to go watch the boys team play acalanes for fall season, so we hit up tice valley. It was such a good game; i love boys basketball. After that I got home at about 1015 and had cake with my dad =D.

Sunday: I slept in until about 11am, which is highly unusual of me. I got up, had some toast and was out the door to get a late bday present for my brother. We were having dinner all together that night so I had to pick something up. 20 minutes later me and my dad drove to Laney college for 2 back to back games. We had only 5 players and I was sooooo tired. We won both games and it was so much fun to play. I love basketball. I love for this sport. Straight from the games I went to practise at miramonte with my high school team and I was whiped out! I hardly ran haha. Then I went to dinner with my mom, brother, and dad and got home, finished a huge english project, and now I'm writing about it. hahah


So, all in all, my weekend was great. I definitely needed that. Have a great week guys, peace.


"Who am I to dream? Dreams are for fools; they let you down."

It's a work in progress

Things To Do



1) Make an impact in somebody's life...In a positive way
2) Adopt at least one child
3) Play basketball in college
4) See Andrea Gibson live
5) Go to Australia
6) Get the few tattoos I've been wanting
7) Beat the game Brick Breaker
8) Figure out how to accurately play Tetris
9) Start a family
10) Become a special ed teacher
11) Learn to play the guitar
12) Reconnect with the people I've lost contact with in the past; the ones I know I need
13) Read all the Jody Picoult books
14) Understand girls
15) Get a duck and name him Darwin
16) Accomplish something great; anything great
17) Get superman sheets to match my superman comforter
18) Pass chemistry
19) Prove them wrong
20) Let go of the past
21) Meet Chelsea Handler
22) Get married--Meaning I'd be able to get married

Just for fun...

In the past month a lot of people have been comparing me to Rachel Maddow. It's kind of funny, they freak out almost.

OH MY GOD! There's this person on TV that looks exactly like you! She's like your twin... Or triplet."

hahaha, triplet.
It's cool seeing someone that almost looks just like yourself. It's interesting. I started wondering if I'm gonna look like Rachel Maddow when I'm older... Who knows. Possibly. But... What do you guys think?




RACHEL




LAUREN

OR

RACHEL




LAUREN


So, let me know your thoughts on this. haha, it's fun to see what people have to say!
Peace.


"Of all the gin joints in all the towns in all the world, she walks into mine."

Like jumping from the bough just to prove that I know how

I got another letter today. This time it was short and simple.

"Hey lauren, I hope you have an amazing seventeenth birthday!
Don't forget to make a wish before blowing out the candles!"

It was really sweet. Someone actually remembered my birthday =]. Behind the note was another sheet of paper. It has an amazingly real-life looking drawing of a basketball with my last name and number on it. It's really good. Excellent. I'm gonna put it up on my wall, (those of who do not know about my wall, I keep things people make for me or important things up there). =D.

I'm curious though. I get these genuinely sweet letters fom time to time, but I don't know who's sending them. I want to find out so that I can thank them myself, or even just write them back. I don't know. That'd be kinda scary if it was like some creepy//sketch person haha but with my luck these days I wouldn't be surprised.

Anyways... Have a great weekend guys. Be safe. Peace.

My breath fogged up the glass so I drew a new face and I laughed

I feel empty like the words from my tongue are just flung around none hung around long enough they're unsung among the old and the young and i'm hollow i can't swallow my feelings down they wont follow my orders to drown in my thoughts and I'm vacant without the strength to make it anywhere I don't share my insides but i swear they're there but I keep losin pieces with every step that I take this can't be real it must be a mistake but my joints start to ache and my hands begin to shake but I keep moving resisting to fall and break and every night I lay wide awake for the sake that I wont have to partake in anymore of this joke but its how I contrive my life right now so I drive looking for meaning i dive into nothing i strive to find emotion im still alive but barely breathing someone revive my mental being to where I had something to give if i could go back and relive my story to be different to forgive the ones that hurt me to sieve the ones I need and the ones to desert me i feel cold through my bones and lonely in my veins but my heart remains in chains as it sustains the pains life contains but in return i lose my sense to feel its not the ideal way to be but its easier to heal when there's nothin inside you to reveal its almost unreal the amount of nothingness inside my shell i can't think i cant sleep i cant eat i cant blink my world is outta sync like a pen outta ink its killing me look at me im dying trying to put myself together lying to myself that I feel better relying on whats left of me to figure out whats best for me so i'll start my way back but there's no end in sight ill pretend to be alright until i blend in with the trend i'll ignite the sky with light and recite the poem of my fight still ending up to be empty like the color white.

Andrea Gibson 2

Andrea Gibson is amazing. I love her writing. She's also hella attractive for an older chick. =P

Baby steps

The world is changing; i'll give it some credit I guess.

In the past three days wihle I've been driving I've been applauded, given 2 thumbs up and a friendly smile. I like it.

First, there was this little red car behind me and they pulled up to the left side of my car and there were two guys who looked and gave me 2 thumbs up then turned off the road. It was cool because I have 'Vote No on Prop 8' written on the back windsheild of my car and I knew what they were supporting. The next day, same thing happened. I was stuck in traffic going home while this tan car with an older black man was to the left and behind me. He got closer to my car and with a big ol' smile he pumped a fist and gave me a head nod. It was way cool. It definitely made me laugh. And yesterday I was driving in downtown WC when I saw one of my favorite coaches of alllll time, Dave Brown. He looked over his shoulder and was surprised to see me but after he turned I got a text from him sayin, "Love the no on 8 sign!".

These are the type of things that prove to me people are changing. Well.. atleast slowly starting to try and accept the differences.

I know for a fact that this world has miles and miles to go before anything drastic happens but that's okay. Baby steps, right?

It's like the drive I took on the night I lost my mind

Does it ever really matter the choices we make or the things we do?, do i look at life in another view or try to pursue a love that's untrue where do I go to renew the whys the whats the hows the whos that we question in our mind only to find that people are blind to change, people decline the rare, so where do we go to repair the flare in their soul it's not fair i wont claim a name to wear or a cross to bear in shame that I'm not the same I wont tame the flame of my desire to acquire the same rights as you because I do... I do wanna be looked at as a person not a freak, because im unique doesnt give you the right to critique my physique so what if it's oblique?, its the 21st century not a bleak penitentiary i can look like a boy and wear baggy clothes just 'cause I chose not to expose myself like those hoes you're used to seeing im just being me and they're being them but you choose to condemn what I am by shoving your kids away from reality by teaching that homosexuality is a defective abnormality and its people like you who share a common mentality that being gay is equal to fatality when its not. If anything its the greatest lesson your kid will ever learn but you turn your back because of a concern that his thoughts will churn over the feelings to yearn for another boy but thats not socially accepted and its nothing you expected, what are you gonna do when he brings home the first guy he adores?, are you gonna ignore the abhor feeling in your core, or with all your might will you slam the door in the face of your son whose heart you just tore because you couldn't end the war inside your head before your temper soared and you couldnt take it anymore? But in ways its quite tragicomical 'cause when you decide to haplessly scrawl an apology you soon wont stand so tall in the eyes of the boy you used to despise and hes grown up to be wise and you quietly say your goodbyes.

Glycerine

Must be your skin that I'm sinkin in
Must be for real cause now I can feel
and I didn't mind
it's not my kind
not my time to wonder why
everything's gone white
and everything's grey
now your here now your away
I don't want this
remember that
I'll never forget where your at
don't let the days go by
glycerine

I'm never alone
I'm alone all the time
are you at one
or do you lie
we live in a wheel
where everyone steals
but when we rise it's like strawberry fields

If I treated you bad
you bruise my face
couldn't love you more
you got a beautiful taste
don't let the days go by
could have been easier on you
I coudn't change though I wanted to
could have been easier by three
our old friend fear and you and me
glycerine
don't let the days go by
glycerine

I needed you more
when we wanted us less
I could not kiss just regress
it might just be
clear simple and plain
that's just fine
that's just one of my names
don't let the days go by
could've been easier on you
glycerine

Andrea Gibson

Andrea Gibson is an amazing poet. She is definitely a huge part of my inspiration. These are some of my favorite poems by her. =]























Peace

She's the eye of the storm

She's the eye of the storm. my life's been crazy no time to be lazy but I'm staring hazy eyed at this daisy but it flies away and it's another day but my thoughts start to stray when I try to convey what i say when i see her. It's like the eye of a storm but it's beautiful, a beautiful disaster and the winds are blowing faster but my eyes stick to hers like plaster and i can't stop she's a hurricane on the beach that I just can't reach shes the moon pulling tides and my mind divides should I hide or stay along for the ride her eyes are tornadoes; both mysterious and unclear i don't know why I volunteer my time when she's bound to disappear but shes the eye of the storm shes the calm before it and it's peaceful when I'm there but I hafta stay aware cuz any moment she could tear me up, i swear... all in one stare but it's gorgeous. watch me fall with the ashes watch the wave as it crashes on the shore one two three four times the the one before it's incredible. she's the fire in the distance not acknowledging my existence but her resistance to fade out is killing me. If i get too close I'll get hurt but her flames are mesmerizing like the eye of a storm leading me to believe it's perfect but when she leaves my body's wrecked and ill sit and reflect on what I did incorrect I still cant detect why i never connect with the girl that's right for me some day soon I'll realize the truths among the lies they tell and ill break out of what ties me down to decriminalize the disguise i put over my heart and I'll start....over.

spill it out on paper

So my friend told me to write down how I feel. "Spill it out on paper", is how she worded it actually. How I feel. How do I feel?


I feel that if I fall for her I'm gonna get hurt
that if I even admit to liking her ill think I have a chance
I feel that if I were staring her right in her big brown eyes, spelling it out for her,
she'd walk away
So how do I feel? Not emotionally. Not mentally.
But literally.
How do I feel? How do I open my chest and fix whatever needs to be fixed
and love someone?
I told myself it wouldn't happen again
that my heart no longer deserves what I put it through
So why now?
Why now do I lose myself to some girl
Some girl
I was fine living my stupid life with my stupid blogs playing stupid basketball
when some stupid girl changes my mind
I get butterflies when I see her
and thats not okay
I make excuses to try and talk to her
and thats not supposed to happen
I feel that I'm just another person waiting in line
to get her attention
and the line gets longer
and it gets crowded
I'm no good in crowds; they make me uncomfortable
and i'm uncomfortable in this long line
that gets longer
and more crowded
but I stay.
patiently waiting for her approval
and it may never come
but i've got time, right?
time to waste on another girl
different girl, same ending.
prove me wrong

Ignorance is bliss... Wait, what?

10 Reaso​ns Why Gay Marri​age is Wrong​

01) Being​ gay is not natur​al.







​And real Ameri​cans alway​s rejec​t unnat​ural thing​s like eyegl​asses​,​ polye​ster,​ and air condi​tioni​ng,​ tatto​os,​ pierc​ings and silicon breasts...

02) Gay marri​age will encou​rage peopl​e to be gay,

In the same way that hangi​ng aroun​d tall peopl​e will make you tall.







​
03) Legal​izing​ gay marri​age will open the door to all kinds​ of crazy​ behav​ior.







Peop​le may even wish to marry​ their​ pets becau​se a dog has legal​ stand​ing and can sign a marri​age contr​act. Lamps are next.







​
04) Strai​ght marri​age has been aroun​d a long time and hasn'​t chang​ed at all;

Henc​e why women​ are still​ prope​rty,​ black​s still​ can'​t marry​ white​s,​ and divor​ce is still​ illeg​al.







​
05) Strai​ght marri​age will be less meani​ngful​ if gay marri​age were allow​ed;​

And we can'​t let the sanct​ity of Britn​ey Spear​s'​ 55-​hour just-​for-​fun marri​age be destr​oyed.








06) Strai​ght marri​ages are valid​ becau​se they produ​ce child​ren.







​
So there​fore,​ gay coupl​es,​ infer​tile coupl​es,​ and old peopl​e shoul​dn'​t be allow​ed to marry​ becau​se our popul​ation​ isn'​t out of contr​ol,​ our orpha​nages​ aren'​t full yet, and the world​ needs​ more child​ren.







​
07) Obvio​usly gay paren​ts will raise​ gay child​ren,​

Sinc​e of cours​e strai​ght paren​ts only raise​ strai​ght child​ren.







​
08) Gay marri​age is not suppo​rted by relig​ion.






In a theoc​racy like ours,​ the value​s of one relig​ion are impos​ed on the entir​e count​ry.​ That'​s why we have only one relig​ion in Ameri​ca.





(I must have missed the lesson where Jesus says he hates gays?)


​
09) Child​ren can never​ succe​ed witho​ut a male and a femal​e role model​ at home.





​
Which​ is exact​ly why we as a socie​ty expre​ssly forbi​d singl​e paren​ts to raise​ child​ren.







​
10) Gay marri​age will chang​e the found​ation​ of socie​ty;​ we could​ never​ adapt​ to new socia​l norms​.





​
Just​ like we haven​'​t adapt​ed to cars,​ the servi​ce-​secto​r econo​my,​ or longe​r life spans​.







​
Re​-​post this if you belie​ve love makes​ a marri​age.







​
Vote no on prop 8.... Hell, our country needs a little bit of action anyways.

You write such pretty words, but life's no story book

If you knew me you'd know I'm kind of a baller
If you really knew me you'd know my ego is a lot smaller

If you knew me you'd know my favorite color is green
If you really knew me you'd know I drink too much caffeine

If you knew me you'd know I'm a happy kid
If you really knew me you'd know my depression is well hid

If you knew me you'd know I'm confident and prepared
If you really knew me you'd know I'm always running scared

If you knew me you'd know I don't wear my heart on my sleeve
If you really knew me you'd know its cuz everyone I love leaves

If you knew me you'd know I'm 5'6 and a quarter
If you really knew me you'd know I'm actually shorter

If you knew me you'd know that I'm out and proud
If you really knew me you'd know in my mom's house that's not allowed

If you knew me you'd know I like smiles and eyes
If you really knew me you'd know I'm no good with goodbyes

If you knew me you'd know I can't write a good end
If you really knew me you'd know I'm finally learning how to bend

Flashback

Hahaha, okay, guess which one I am... Find me? Wow, I was about 9 or 10 years old in 4th grade and that's when my mom was still dressing me haha. I was 4'8". I remember because I told my friend Jamie at soccer sign-ups that I was taller than her =]. Our teacher, Mrs. Bybee, was not a nice person lol. We all hated her. She was old, and mean and she retired after our year. When she left the room we would all get noisy and chaotic, like normal 4th graders would, and there would be one kid looking out the window and when they saw her coming back they would yell, "Bybee alert! Bybee alert!". Haha, we thought we were so cool.

I miss those days. The more I think about it, the more I miss it. Those were the days of recess. Recess was probably the most enjoyable part of every kids day. I remember we had two teatherball courts and this kid Adam was always the best. Everyone wanted to beat him yet failed miserably. In 5th grade I would play tackle football with my guy friends and one time i went to tackle my future boyfriend (believe it or not), Tyler, and I ripped his shirt. haha. I'm not a very subtle person lol.

Where did I go wrong growing up? Or where did I finally go right? Thinking back to when I was just tall enough to reach the counter, I never would've thought I'd turn out the way I did. What happened? I guess year after year, fight after fight, I finally found myself. I used to have the biggest green eyes when I was a little girl. Now I have darker, hazel eyes. I looked like a twig growing up; little legs, little arms, you could see all my bones. Now I have broad shoulders and curves. I guess I'm still as shy as I was back then. But I'm more comfortable in my own skin now.

I went through phases. Man, did I go through stages... When my mom still dressed me I was the cute little girl with my hair down and skirts (I'm not saying I enjoyed this stage of my life, I just didn't have any control. lol). Then 6th and 7th grade I was a jock. Basketball shorts, hair up almost every day, loose shirts and tennis shoes. I was so comfortable. Sweats were my saving grace. 8th grade I took a turn the other direction. Black nail polish, black clothes, dark music. I had plenty of boy friends and I was kinda out of control. I still played basketball and still played sports, but that came second. I don't know who I was trying to be, just a few years ago in 8th grade.




This is me now. Well a few months ago =]. I still don't know If I turned out alright but I still have time to grow. It's cool to look back and see how different I was from then to now. It's a trip.

Peace.

Every time I looked at her, I wanted to be with her forever

She's home for the weekend and I can't sit still thnking of the times where we were such fools we never followed the rules but her eyes were like jewels frozen in silence screaming my name but it wasnt just a game my heart would aim for hers to stake a claim that she was mine. And I was hers. But all I have left is this frame holding the picture I've memorized. In a world filled with hate she took me in and she'd relate I remember when we would lift weights. She told me to create my perfect soul mate and I knew I had to leave it up to fate but she told me she'd wait. She told me when it was right she'd be by my side until then I'd love her from the inside but my hands were tied. She couldn't decide what she wanted I couldn't provide what she needed but I tried. She looks good. Great. And I stood there biting my tongue from saying everything I've sung in my head since I was young and in love. With her. Her eyes are still my favorite shade her lines still seem cliched but thats how she conveyed her true insides. I think of her form time to time and wonder what would have happened. What would've happened if they didn't find out? What would've happened if we threw away our doubt and lived in water in a world with drought? She was special. The one who taught me the basics of life. She was the one who helped me throw away the knife. She would pick me up in away time of strife and we'd drive to our spot holding hands in our world. I wonder if she thinks about me. About what happened. I wonder if she knows I chose her that when she smiles she still glows and when the wind blows I remember the highs and the lows but this feeling I can't expose because it's wrong. It's been a year and some months I can't just appear and volunteer my thoughts she'd think them insincere and wouldn't hear what I'm saying I won't be clear so I'll steer away from here and I won't cry a single tear. It's been a year. And some months. But I can't pull away. She draws me in and I sink faster it's a disaster. I see her now and then and I'm afraid that's how it'll end.

Plan to be surprised

I got a letter today. It was hidden in a plain white envelope with three lines scribbled across the center. My name. My address. My state and area code. At first I was gonna throw it away with my half empty water bottle, an old magazine, and my thoughts. I didn't need them anymore. Something brought me to opening the letter. Maybe it was the hand writing... I thought I've seen it once before. I'm an extremely curious kid and it felt like something in this envelope was drawing me in. Weird, right? Anyways... I finally opened it. I was never any good at opening letters. I used to try and help my mom when she did bills at the kitchen table when I was younger and she always put me in charge of envelopes. Time after time after time I would always rush too fast and end up ripping it open. I guess some things never do change. I was expecting it to be some sort of hate mail. Those are personally my favorite type of mail. =]. But it wasn't. And I'm okay with that. =D. My eyes scanned the page before I read a single word.

No, I don't know who this is from. And I don't know what brought them to sending it. But I appreciate it. The hand writing made me feel comfortable and the style of writing.... Was perfect. I haven't gotten a letter like this in an unimaginably long time. If I ever really have gotten one before. It's funny sort of... I know in past blogs I've written about my beliefs, my theories, etc., and I still hold true to it all. I've had a chaotic week and in ways, I feel like this letter came at the right time. So, thank you.

Here's the thing most people don't understand. It's the small things that mean the most. It's true. So simple as a letter, a phone call, and even a hug, can make a world of difference. Thanks for reading! Peace.

Cross That Line

Cross that line... If you're under 18. Cross that line... If you've ever felt unseen. Cross that line... If you've been in a reltionship that caused you pain. Cross that line... If you've ever felt like going insane. Cross that line... If you have low self-esteem. Cross that line... If you've ever felt like you needed to scream. Cross that line... If you were ever told to 'be a man'. Cross that line... If your skin is black, brown, or tan. Breathe. Cross that line... If you or someone you know has been under sexual assault. Cross that line... If you constantly hear that everything's your fault. Cross that line if you know someone who died in a car crash. Cross that line if you've lost someone else in a flash. What if they were here today? What if you could tell them what you need to say? What if you could see their smile, one more time. What if you knew they had the potential to shine? Close your eyes. Cross that line if you are pro-choice. Cross that line if you've never had a voice. Cross that line if you feel alone. Look around the room... You're no longer unknown. Cross that line if you're willing to take a stand. Cross that line if you're willing to expand... Your courage your strength your voice your change. To your classes your town your state your range. So cross that line if you know where to start. Instead of speaking from your mouth, find meaning in your heart.

Featuring Daniel

This here is my boy, Daniel. I love him. A lot of people think we're related, which is kinda cool cause we are pretty close. I love him and he's a great guy.

It's the fall

I love the fall. It's the transition period from summer to winter and that's where I'm at. My transition period. I've always sort of known who I am and where I fit in in this crazy world but now I'm discovering what I want. I'm changing colors with the leaves I'm being carried by the breeze to see more of this world than I ever have before.

I want change.

I wanna be able to walk down the street holding hands with another girl and be proud. I don't wanna be scared. I want to dress like a guy without girls asking why and I want to cut my hair without their ugly stares.

I want to feel free.

I wanna break out of this box that the community has trapped me under. I want to do what I love instead of what they expect of me. I don't wanna to wonder if my life is acceptable to those around me. I want to be me.

I want happiness.

I want smiles and laughs and memories. I want people in my life that need me in theirs. I want to be with the girl that I love and appreciate because I know she loves and appreciates me.

I want acceptance.

I wanna be able to marry whoever I want and have the same rights as everyone else. I want a family and kids that I can raise in a society that doesnt hate gays. I wanna see interracial couples and two boys kissing. I want to see parents supporting what their kid wants to do and kids listening to the stories from before they were born.

I want patients.

I want people to have patients in understanding what they see. I want fathers to stop and think about what they're gonna say before breaking down their daughters. I want girls to give them time because I know boys will come around. Boys, girls, moms, dads, wives, husbands and everyone in between. I want patients.

"I change myself; I change the world"