I never meant to fire, you know..

I could've sworn I'd never have to go there again.


It was so cold I actually had my heater on in my car. That's rare for me because I usually get too hot really quickly. I made sure to keep my music up high and to focus on the lyrics so I would forget where I was going. I was doing fine.

I looked over my shoulder and slowly turned right, onto the street I've memorized. Something hit me like a train running off tracks. Its was like when you're at a concert and you're so close to the stage that when the music starts you feel it push you back. You feel the pressure of the sound hit your chest and you stop for a split second. I wasn't expecting anything like that. I started to panic.

It was dark... Like the mornings we'd dread, but secretly looked forward to all night. The pool was covered and the gate to the hot tub was locked--like usual. It looked like the doors leading to the girls locker room were lit up and it made me laugh. Like I am right now, writing this.

I drove forward trying to kill some time before getting to her house. I couldn't remember where that road lead so I kept on it until it hit me... I had to turn around and just get to my destination. But I couldn't. I knew where the street lead out to and I didn't want to be there. I couldn't be there. The whole time driving up the road I was whispering to myself, "It won't take me there. It's a dead end." It wasn't.

How could I still let this get to me, even now? Why'd I keep driving? I should've taken the second right and been at my friends house instead of pushing my limits. Testing myself to see how much I can still feel.

I left a few hours later and contemplated driving around some more, but why? I've always been such a curious kid and it usually doesnt work out for the best. So I shook that thought claer outta my mind and drove home. I took the long way... With my music up high, focusing on the lyrics.