The American Dream

Abel was a fucking pussy
Always doing what he was told
But that story tends to gets old
Personally, I admire Cain...
Never taking anybody's shit
Finally found himself an exit
Even if it was Abel he had to hit
It seemed pretty worth it
And then God punishes him...
Well, where's God now?
Did he decide to take a vacation?
Or turn his cheek from the war location?
In war it's more than just
Hitting each other over the head
Hundreds of thousands of soldiers are dead
And dying each day
And I know there's no such thing as world peace
But people should at least
Have the choice to stay in one piece
And what happened to "justice for all"?
Minorities are the ones taking the fall
Let me marry a girl; let him marry a man!
Since when did marriage become something you could ban?
I don't want a fucking civil union
They say "keep fighting, it'll happen soon"... When?
So don't tell me that this is the Land of the Free
Cause at this rate, who's gonna wanna settle for the American Dream?

Your House by Ani DiFranco

the wind
was applauding
my passing
your house
how tempting, i keep your key still on my ring
i have half a mind to open the gate
how easy to climb your fire escapes of steel
so familiar
oh i feel like two
of the plain of the face of you
i was hidden by the night
but not enough
every night came back to me
and the wind just passed by
disappointedly
how weak am i that i can't
no i can't
i can't even walk by

=[

well this sucks.

How Can You Say That?

How can you say that?
Because you've wasted time!
Because you've used up your lines!
But my heart's not for sale
You left it long ago
And I've grown cold
But I wake up sweating
Letting my body run its course
Forgetting the times you were my source...
To happiness.
Is it sensible for me to want it back?
Your words are watered down
And now I drown in your thoughts
I thought about you all night
Until the sky was turning light again
So I got ready to fight again
To take down another day
And I guard my heart in every way
Because no one's ever really safe
Who's to say
Someone won't just break in
With a high powered hair dryer
And an outlet to plug it in
Melting my chest
Till I'm raining on the floor
And I can't rely on them to stay
And keep me warm
It's too much to ask
So I keep my feelings sealed up
In a tiny zip-lock bag
And keep it in my pocket
To make sure that I won't drop it
On the other side I carry a ring
That's burning a whole
Right through my jeans
I think it fell out a few blocks back
But I'll leave it there
For someone else to wear
For someone else who cares
About the one they love
And they'll give it to their girlfriend
As a promise not to leave
A promise I could never keep
Or ever believe
The one we used
To guilt each other into staying
But now you're swaying
Between the lines of yes and no
I won't tell you not to go
Because I've made that mistake before
I've hung onto you before
Like you were my last stitch of hope
But I'm not the only villain
We're really not so different
You played Russian Roulette
And pointed the gun to my head
I may have fired first
But I never left you for dead!
So go ahead...
And pull the trigger
Cause I've got bigger
Plans than this town can hold
I fold my body into an iron cage
Cause at this stage
I can't engage in anything more
Than superficiality
Cause the mentality I have
Is more like fatality
Than reality
My vitality is stronger than ever
And I vow to never
Put myself through that again

Acid

The acid in my stomach
Is eating away at my body
Like you're eating away at my days
With the time I spend thinking of you
And I can't eat without you
'Cause my stomach clenches
At your memory
But I can't help remembering
Every day we were together
We promised it'd be forever
Last night I wrote you a letter
That I have no intention if sending
I'm still mending my heart
My knees go weak
And my hands start trembling
Every time you jog through my mind
My heart's still beating to the rhythm of your footsteps
And the echo of your voice in my head
Puts me to sleep
And keeps me awake
At night I can feel your breath
Still lingering on my skin
It sends me chills
And cold nostalgia wont keep me alive
But for now it's something
I've been punching my shadow
Until my knuckles start to bleed
Because I need to feel something
I've abandoned my creed
So I'm planting new seeds
To rid myself of these weeds
That once consumed my mind
My soul is aching
There's a hole in the center
That used to be filled by you
And no one else can do
That things you used to do
They're one in the same
But you burned a flame
That changed my life
You aimed for my heart
And you claimed me from the start
But now that we're apart
My body fights to keep it together
I'm not a feather in the breeze
You'll never lose me to the wind
I'm bolted down to the sound of your voice
I'll follow you anywhere
Cause my hand has always been yours to hold
And it's getting pretty cold
But I'd rather sleep alone
Than with someone who's not you
I pretend you're my pillow
And I squeeze real tight
I sleep with my windows open
And the fan on high
So when I wrap myself with blankets
It feels like you're there
You're somewhere in the air
But sometimes life's not fair
You don't know what you got
Until you watch it walk out the door
I didn't know what I had
Until I was left sobbing on my floor
But I know what I had with you
I'd never had before
And I won't surrender the war
That you have in your head
I'm here til the end
To defend
What we have
...What we had.

Happiness

Happiness isssss:

-Birkenstocks
-America's Next Top Model... On DVD!
-Adrianne from cycle one
-Girls
-Well... A certain girl.
-Halloween!
-First quarter being over
-Seeing Christina at the vollyball game
-New Music
-Getting butterflies
-My baby boy, Valentine!
-Powder Puff
-'Bed Head' hair clippers
-Valentine sticking out his tongue while he sleeps
-Chelsea Handler
-Smiling
-Scary Movies
-Getting up on time
-Fuzzy Duds
-Brothers
-Weight Lifting
-Boston Accents
-Winter


"If my heart was a compass, you'd be North"

Ten Years Erased

Ten years and you're gone
It didn't take long
You've withdrawn from my world
ALl my plans won't unfurl
So I drag my teeth on pearls
To keep from biting through my tongue
I may have made mistakes
But I was young
You don't know how badly your words stung
We just begun but you chose to run
Where the hell was your effort?
You never even called
I don't get it
I admit it:
I miss you all the time
But it's like a fucking crime
To mention you around the house
So I douse my mind in gasoline
Then light a match
I'm a machine
I can't feel a thing
Until the smoke clears
But you're still sitting here
And in the folds of my thoughts
You lie resting all day
I keep guessing all day
On why you went away
I may have left
But only for a minute
Then you left
I keep tryin to forget it
I went to Boston...
The leaves weer starting to turn
And your memory was starting to burn
A hole right through my sweater
But I'm getting better
I'll cut my leg and dive into the ocean
So the sharks can swallow me whole
I've digested mypain
And vowed to never feel the same
Way as I do now
How can I explain this to my mother?
My brother hates you too
But I can't open up to anyone but you
Where'd you go? Why'd you disappear?
I need you here
I can hear the chaos in my head
With all the things I never said
Now I'm left for dead
Because alone was the last place I wanted to be
If only you could see
My insides are starting to turn out
And you're still in my blood stream
Infecting my dreams
The seems to my heart
Are busting apart
What's left is my skeleton
So I hang myself in the closet
With past secrets and memories
Then I'll throw away the keys
You were the only one who knew me
The only one who cared
Now you have me second guessing
Everything taht we once shared
Ten years of my life
Don't mean shit anymore
Cause there's no more hope left
I'm hopeless
I quit wishing on the stars
And loose eye lashes
Cause as time passes
My half-empty glasses
Fall and crashes to the floor
I can try to glue them back together
They'll be more fragile than before
If only you cared a little bit more
Or cared any at all
I wouldn't have built such a fucking wall
To keep anyone from falling
In fatuation with me
Because that's all it really is
Love is an obsession
I've learned my lesson
What it is is lust
Cause there's no such thing as trust anymore
It's not ideal at all
It takes years to build up
But just seconds to fall
So fall in lust or fall in hate
Either way I'm not gonna wait
For fate to set a date
For them to bail
I always love them too late
Now it's getting so late
And I know you'll never read this
Cause my rearview mirror just met my fist
And I swore I'd never look back
I have a horrible knack
For fucking things up
I lack the motivation
So instead I hack away at my isolation
I stack the odds against me
I lost all my tact when I lost you
And packed my adolescence
Is this my lesson?
I think I'm destined to be alone
No therapy session can cure my depression
You were my best friend and my father
Swore you'd walk me down the aisle
So when you left so did my smile
I guess I slept cause I was in denial
I'd only give inches when you gave me miles
Should I have come home?
Would youhave stayed if I was there?
I was so scared
Now you're gone like a ghost into thin air
It's getting harder to breathe
I admit I was naive
But I never thought you would leave
That's always been my downfall
I just don't think at all
And now as I start to sink
And the rain is pouring down
All I see is your face
It's like a fucking race to see who can get to you first
Either me or society
It's been 10 months and still no word
I didn't knowit was so easy to leave behind an entire world
But I keep counting the seconds on the clocks
And as each minute passes
It looks like I've lost
The one man I would give my life for
You always wanted so much more
Than I could ever give
But I'd give you my hands if you couldn't feel
My ears so you could hear more clear
And my eyes for a new point of view
I fucking miss you
Like the tide misses the man on the moon
On the nights he just too tired to pull
I'd pull you back if I could
But I'm not that good
I don't have the power
To withstand through the very last hour
So I guess I quit

Permanance

There lies a certain illusory security in the idea of permanence.
Consistency is so utterly against the grain of human nature,
Yet we strive for it above all else.
Why?
Either out of trepidation of being alone,
& being forced to provide for ourselves…
Or something else.
Something deeper.
I know how it feels, but I can’t name or depict it.
It’s like a word that gets stuck at the tip of your tongue.
It’ll drive me insane until I can place it,
But it’s all I’ve been thinking about for weeks with no avail.
I want it back, but that’s not sensible.
Might as well learn now, & embrace that no person is permanent.
No situation will always be the same.
No place never changes.
All we can rely on is that we can rely on nothing at all.

I've Planted Seeds In My Heart

I've planted seeds in my heart
Where the cracks won't mend
But it won't matter
Cause I'm stuck in a drought
I guess I need to cool myself off
98.6 degrees will burn my seeds
And I need it to pour
Cause you tore my seems open
Then came back for more
I'll lock up my chest
Then swallow the key
So there's no way
You can walk through my veins
Or stomp on the seeds
You held my hand just like a leash
You kept dragging me along
Leading me on - I just want peace
In myself, in my mind, in my world
But you're still the girl
Who made my life spin
It should be sin
The things you did to me
I collect my tears in a paper cup
Swallow them down then crush it up
Like you crushed me up
Like you fucked me up
Let it rain for days
So I can drown my heart
And let it grow into a fucking forrest
I'll search the trees for a brighter meaning
Memorize the paths I take
And don't let them crossover
I've made that mistake
I stitched you a sunrise and I drew you a sun
You're still inside me, you've made yourself home
But outside its still 90's, withering all my thoughts
I'll run ice over my skin
So it can seep through my pores
Flood you out of my greenhouse
What's mine is not yours

Falling With the Leaves

Lately I've been falling with the leaves
To the sound of your breathing
Every time you inhale
Another part of me drifts down
And I'm scattered on the ground
Like you're scattered through my mind
I keep trying to rake myself together
Into a pile on your porch step
But I just can't fight the wind
So I'm left here wasting time
By filling up my notebooks
With "writer's block" folded up
Into the crossroads of my brain
So you're my excuse not to write
Last night I watched the moon shine
And I swear I saw your face
I made a wish on a plane passing by
Cause nothing is ever as it seems
Mistake a plane for a star
Mistake a name for who you are
I read your smile like a love letter
Saying
"I don't regret her.. I just don't get her"
I was always jealous of the porch lights
Cause from far they look like the moon
They are what they aren't
Until they finally burn out

Maybe-- Ingrid Michaelson

I don't wanna be the one to say goodbye
But I will, I will, I will
I don't wanna sit on the pavement while you fly
But I will, I will, oh yes I will

'Cause maybe in the future, you're gonna come back
You're gonna come back around
Maybe in the future you're gonna come back
You're gonna come back

Oh, the only way to really know is to really let it go
Maybe you're gonna come back, you're gonna come back
You're gonna come back to me

I don't wanna be the first to let it go
But I know, I know, I know
If you have the last hands that I want to hold
Then I know I've got to let them go

I still feel you on the right side of the bed
And I still feel you in the blankets pulled over my head
But I'm gonna wash away, oh I'm gonna wash away
Everything till you come home to me

Maybe in the future you're gonna come back
You're gonna come back
In the future you're gonna come back
You're gonna come back

Oh, the only way to really know is to really let it go
Maybe in the future you're gonna come back
You're gonna come back around
Maybe in the future you're gonna come back
You're gonna come back

Dear Darrell

Dear Darrell,

Where are you? Basketball season is starting again and it's finally my senior year. I hate playing basketball lately. Instead of it being enjoyable and fun, it's become something I dread doing. It's almost like a chore. If you were here, it'd be so different. I'd be itching for the season to start! I'd still keep in touch with DJ, Dustin, Trish and Austin. It was hard to play AAU this year. DJ has adopted so many subtle characteristics that you used to do... It was hard making it through the practices. I regret everyday not transferring after my sophomore year. I'm sorry! I remember you told me at the beginning of my sophomore year that you would have pulled Trish outta Miramonte if that same situation had happened. I tried though. It was just never an option with my parents. I hate going to Wagner Ranch. I can't stand walking into the Miramonte gym. I can't deal with everyone telling me that I need to get over what happened! That you're not coming back! These coaches aren't you! How can I have respect for someone who has YOUR job? I can't even take them seriously half the time. I miss you, Darrell.

I need you so much right now. I had a rough summer, D. I didn't play basketball the entire month of July, and half of August. Mentally and emotionally I just wasn't able to commit myself to it. I wish I had though. I would have rather gone through any sort of physical pain that may have come with basketball than put up with the pain I've felt for the past three months. I'm heart-broken. God damn, I wish you were right by me right now. I'm pathetic; I can't keep myself from crying as I write this letter. I remember after I got kicked outta my mom's house you told me: "Lauren, I've dealt with over 100 girls in the past 10 years I've been coaching, and I have three kids. You can talk to me about anything". It's so true! That's what I'm trying to do right now but I can't seem to make any sense. Darrel, this girl that I'm heartbroken over is the girl of my dreams. She's better than my dreams... She's real. I had her. I every bit of her and I let it all go! I had the world in my arms and I completely dropped it. I know you would say that I'm young and there are plenty other girls out there, but think back to you and theresa! When you were in high school just starting to date. Did you ever think you guys weren't gonna make it? 40 years later you two were still going strong. That's what I wanted. That's what I had planned and I took it all for granted.

Darrell I need you. Come back! In December it will be a year that's past since your death. It doesn't seem that long ago. I think about you every day, and what you would say or do in the certain situations I find myself in. I love you, D.

Rest In Paradise,
Lauren

Two Birds-- Andrea Gibson

When you ran for Canada
I spent three and a half months screaming your name
Til I saw your feet cross the border
And I bunkered down in your cheerleader pajamas
To stare at the photograph of the two birds.

Two birds.
Give me one stone.

Or a rifle.

I’ll collect the feather pens from the ground
And pretend to write poems about Obama.
Remember how we fucked in the bathroom stall
during his inauguration at Invesco Field?
Later in the bleachers you held my hand and said.
“Look at Michelle. She is so in love.”

There were so many snipers in the stands
When the fireworks started
I was convinced we were being bombed.
For five minutes we sprinted through
The tunnel of the stairwell.
I kept saying, I love you, I love you , I love you, I love….
I thought for sure I would die in your arms.

Dear Love-
I hope Canada is beautiful.
I hope you rise to your feet
every time she sings her anthem.
I hope your hand is forever on your heart.
I hope your heart is forever safe.

Here at home
they are saying Obama
is not the saint we had hoped he’d be.
I wonder if you’d notice
that Michelle is still in love.

Call Me Naive

Sure, the chances of her coming back to me are slim to none, but I love her. I see her in my future, I see being with her for the rest of my life... Even if she doesnt. But I don't know what she's thinking so I'm not writing her off. Her and I are both going through shit and we have stuff in our lives that we need to figure out. I need to get my school life together in order for me to go to college, she needs to get her finances and family situation together for her to be less stressed. I know right now she doesnt want to be with me but that's okay. I'm surviving. I'm doin my own thing with school and lying low for a while. But I love her. And as hard as I've tried not to, it doesn't work. There are just some people that are worth fighting for and she's my person. Also, by no means am I putting my life on hold for her. I need to keep moving and hopefully one day she'll see what I've been trying to show her all along.
And no, you don't know what I'm going through. Call me naive but I was sure we were going to be together forever. I fucking messed up and I know that but god damn if I haven't tried everything to make it up to her and myself. You don't know how bad it hurts when I think back to the things we used to do. You don't know the regret I feel every single time I think of her. But I like feeling this way for her. I like knowing that I would do anything for her just because I care that much. And yeah, when I'm with my friends I'm happy, but that's temporary. I'm a happy person when I'm with her and I'm not going to give up on happiness. People can say what they want and they can give me their opinions on the situation but what matters is what I believe. And same goes for her. That's what I'm holding onto. Bottom line is I love her.

When the Love of Your Life Leaves You

Bake a wedding cake.

Step on it.

Frost the living room floor with your dancing feet.

Lock the front door.

Close the blinds.

Lick the floorboards.

This is garbage

There's a voice inside me
That screams through my bones
It sends chills down my spine
It takes over my mind
Saying
"I love you!"
"Please Come back!"
"My body is numb.."
"You have what I lack!"
Nobody can hear it
I walk around like it's not there
I'm constantly looking over my shoulder
My body is getting colder
You had my life in your hands
My soul, my mind, my heart
The art of healing
And dealing with this anguish
Is like a different language
That I don't want to learn
I'd rather burn through my skin
Than turn and 'take it on the chin'
Right now I'm walking through hell
Making friends with the Devil
Just to pass the time
The climb is killing me
With every step I take
I start to sublime
Until there's nothing left of me to hold
And you may think this is a game
That I'm just some name
An old flame that never got the spark
To start a fire
At night I'm wired
Supposed to be tired but I'm awake
I shake; my stomach aches
I'm trying everything not to break
Because you don't know what you do to me!
You don't care how I feel
Or if I heal
You don't hafta deal with me
But I would tear my heart out
If you said you'd be impressed
And that's the difference between us
My nerves go wild everytime you call
My stomach knots over nothing at all
I wanna say FUCK YOU
Because I still LOVE YOU
I'm tired of writing this trash
That these people think they know
It's getting slow around here
I haven't seen your face in this place
For weeks
I may be sad but no part of me is weak
Except for my knees when you're around
I'm what you've always wanted
I'm what the other girls all promised!
But they would fly away
You'll never lose me to the wind
If you would just listen to me
Hear my cries in the lines I write
My silence on the phone
Speaks volumes
But you can't hear it
So it echoes through my chest
I guess this is just another test...

Dear Book

Dear book,

This is another day in my life.

A life is like a book.

A book is like a box.

A box has six sides.

Inside and outside,

So,

How do you get to what's inside?

How do you get what's inside, out?


You don't have to be somebody. Because I know that being somebody doesn't make you anybody anyway.

It's 10pm

It's 10pm and I'm drinking coffee
With 7 pieces of ice
A green straw
And the "have a good night"
Still ringing in my ears from the
Late night shift barista
I turn off my phone
Because I know whoever is texting me won't be you
And what's the point of getting my hopes up?
I stack the odds against me
So that just in case it works out
I can believe in miracles
I sat outside and found a penny on the sidewalk
It was face down so I chucked it across the street
So some kid can find it face up and make a wish
While I change the time on my watch to read
11:11 pm
Hoping to find a way to stop my heart
From feeling so worn down and exhausted
I keep tellin' myself I'm movin' on
But my feet keep stumblin'
I'm fumblin' around for the right words
Hope this coffee keeps me sane
Temporarily at least
Until I get back home
Where ever home seems to be...

You Don't Even See

You don't see what you do
To me everytime you chew
Me up and spit me out
It doesn't matter how much I scream
Or shout
And I doubt
You even care
If we repair the tear
I wear on my heart
Because whenever we're apart
I don't hear from you for days
Or weeks
But when we speak
I have nothing to say
Because the things inside
Are the things I have to hide
I've tried to open up
I've cried through the nights
I wish I could right this tonight
But with every word I say
Pushes you farther and farther away

You Had Time - Ani DiFranco

I changes the pronouns slightly. All the "I'll, and I"s used to be "you'll and you"s and vise versa. I changed it to fit my life right now.


how can you come home
with nothing to say
You know I'm going to look at you that way
and say" what did you do out there
and what did you decide
you said you needed time
and you had time"

I am a china shop
and you are a bull
I am really good food
and you are full
I guess everything is timing
I guess everything's been said
so you are coming home with an empty head

I'll say "did they love you or what?"
You'll say "they love what I do,
the only one who really loves me is you"
and I'll say "girl did you kick some butt?"
and you'll say "I don't really remember,
but my fingers are sore
and my voice is too"

I'll say "it's really good to see you"
I'll say "I missed you horribly"
I'll say "let me carry that,
give that to me"
and I will take the heavy stuff
and I will drive the car
and you'll look out the window making jokes
about the way things are

how can you come home
with nothing to say
You know I'm going to look at you that way
and say "what did you do out there,
and what did you decide?
you said you needed time
and you had time"

I Just Don't Think I'll Ever Get Over You - Colin Hay

I drink a coffee every morning
It comes from a place that's far away
And when I'm done I feel like talking
Without you here there is less to say

I don't want you thinking I'm unhappy
What is closer to the truth
Is if I lived 'til I was one-hundred and two
I just don't think I'll ever get over you

I'm no longer moved to drink strong whiskey
I shook the hand of time and I knew
That if I lived 'til I could no longer climb my stairs
I just don't think I'll ever get over you

Your face it dances and it haunts me
Your laughter's still ringing in my ears
I still find pieces of your presence here
Even, even after all these years

And if I lived 'til I was one-hundred and two
I just don't think I'll ever get over you...

I'm comfortable with a pen in my hand

I'm comfortable with a pen in my hand
I know what I'm doing
Even when I don't
The words I write will put
The pieces together
Describing the things they thought were
Unimaginable
My pen is my constant
When the world is falling to the ground
All around me
And everyone has run away
I'll write my story in the debris
Uncover the beauty they failed to see
In this city of disaster
And in the monster they made of me
But all the times they laughed
And walked out of my door
And all the times they crushed me
And pretended to love me like before
Were the moments I never realized
Or idealized
The art
Of breaking hearts
They had the style and they had the grace
And the ability to lie to my face
And erase me from their past
They knew how to cast their guilt away
Because you can only miss something you remeber
You had
I was so naive
But they taught me how to breathe
And to leave my heart in my chest
Instead of my sleeve
They're the girls who betrayed
They're the girls who never stayed
They stray'd away from the paths
We set in our minds
But I blame them; And I thank them
For throwin' me out
Cause they taught me tact
And how not to act
And sometimes I cracked
And it was hard to go back
To the uncomfortability of love
I fell into my monsterous ways
And I would shove my feelings
Like a pill down my throat
By when I wrote
I would write my wrongs
In order to right my wrongs
But baby we were intertwined
I was too blind to find the right state of mind
But maybe some things are never meant to be defined
Because the best part of me
Was always you
And I don't know what that means
But please...
Will you think of me?

I Thought I Would Get Mad

I thought I would get mad, angry, pissed, anything! But I'm not. I thought I would never speak to you again, I thought I would cuss and fight! But I didn't. I can't because it's not your fault! It's not your fault and I've known that from the beginning! What made it so easy for me to get over other girls and move on to the next was because they messed up. I could use their mistakes as an exit strategy and I wouldn't feel anything! I guess at some point it had to stop. At some point I had to learn that that's not the way you treat the ppl you date. But why couldn't it have come a little earlier so that you wouldn't be my lesson? My example! Nothing but guilt and regret fill my mind. I can't feel anything else because when I look at you, or think of you, my stomach feels like it's sinking and my chest starts to hurt.

That's not to say I didn't try my hardest. For a month and a half all I did was try. Key word: Try. I guess at the end of the day that's all you really can do. It was too late. But better late than never, right? I had never been so committed to anybody before. Again, it was too late. But at least now I know that I'm capable of it. I'm not as bad as I thought I was =] I showed you a side that literally no one had ever seen before and it was worth it to me. You were worth it to me! But that's not what counts. It takes two. And I was the part that destroyed us... But I could've been the part that put us back together.

You said it doesn't feel like it used to. Nothing will ever feel like it did when it first began! The first six weeks of a relationship is the "honeymoon" stage. After that, you're just "together" and that's what the relationship is really about. Being together even if it's not always perfect. We were by no means perfect, and I didn't necessarily help either.. But I could have been your forever. I could have been your happy ending.

Someday we'll be together. I know it because no one else has an affect on me like you do. Someday.

I Miss You

I miss you, I do. I love you. Everyday, I wake up and have this ache in my chest, and sometimes I just sleep in because I know when I wake up, you're not going to be there.

Perfect//Rosemary and Sage

PERFECT
The picture is taken and its perfect
Just like the one before
It's perfect
Just perfect
And of course their families are perfect
They'll soon be husbands and wives
Perfect
Just perfect
Everything is okay, everythings alright
Just as long as I get to sleep through the night
Everything is bad, everything's not good
I should be speakin my emotions like I know I could
Their faces are made out of porcilain
They're the subject to the change of tocsin
Or contortions
And while they're insides are still weeping
Their faces go on change of sleeping
Just sleeping
Everythign is okay, everything is alright
Just as long as I get to sleep through the night
Everything is all bad, everything's not good
I should be speaking my emotions like I know I could
So to you perfect girls I have a message:
You gotta show your life truthfully even through the rough edges
And even if you have to say something that may not be acceptable
To your clan or your click or who your with
Just say it anyway
listen to your heart
listen to your heart

ROSEMARY AND SAGE
Hey its just you and me
Picture in your mind
Something I've never felt
I've always wanted to be
So why dont we open up the door
I know its hard
Dont you wonder what we'll explore
Maybe something more
Can't we just turn a brand new page
I know we can
It'll be like fresh rosemary and sage
If you would hold my hand
Hey girl its just you and me
Don't you think this could be
Where we start to contemplate
We could be planting a seed
Why dont we open up the door
I know its hard
Don't you wonder what we'll explore
Maybe something more
Cant we just turn a brand new page
I know we can
It'll be like fresh rosemary and sage
If you would hold my hand



complements to DANIEL

We're All Waiting For Something

Maybe I Need You

Maybe I need you
In this life I'm leading
To keep me from misreading
The signs you're giving off
Are yanking me everywhere
And I swear
This is getting hard to bare
But I try not to wear
Every emotion on my face
But at this pace
I'll run out of ink
To draw on the smiles
And I'm miles away from home
With no sense of direction
So maybe I need your protection
'Cause the security of you
Is the closes thing to perfection
That I'll ever know
Maybe I need you
Like a kite needs the wind to blow
Like cookies need milk
Like a clock needs its hands
My hands are getting lonely
And cold
I told them to be patient
That yours will come back soon
But even I know that's not assured
But I've endured
This much already
Inured by your games
That I choose to wait
I won't date another
I'm relying on fate
To create the spark we need
To light our lives on fire
Maybe I need you
To inspire your heart to tell your mind to shut up
To stop teasing your feelings
'Cause I know the strings of your heart
Are playing the soundtracks to our life
But you hafta sing the lyrics
Before the songs can end
I don't want this to be our end
If I could mend the broken words
Defend against the haters
I would find the greater good
In this mess
And express, confess, or
Empty my pink heart into your white paint
Because if I didn't know any better
I'd swear you were my Saint
Maybe I Need You

5th Grade I Felt It

5th grade is when I felt it

8th grade I denied it

I was 15 when I met my first

And 16 when they kicked me out

I chopped my hair off in 10th grade

Mohawked it through 11th

In our 2nd month we got a puppy

During our 6th I got a call

At 17 I felt my first heartbreak

When we said "Forever"...

Lonelieness

Loneliness
is a human condition-
Cultivate it.
It tunnels into you, allows your soul room to grow.
Never expect to outgrow loneliness,
or hope to find someone who will understand you,
to fill that space.
If you expect to find people who understand you,
you will grow murderous with disappointment.
The best you'll ever do is to understand yourself,
know what it is that you want,
and not let the cattle stand in your way.

Half The Time

Half the time I wake to a cold sweat and my stomach clenched like a life line I can't let go of my alarm goes off and a panic washes over my body. I'm the only one who has to wake up to have a nightmare. I watch myself step by step like a phony horror film, do you know how hard it is to watch my very own slaughter? Most people would keep themselves awake at night but it's my reality, my saving grace is when I fall asleep if I could swap my days for my nights, my fears for my dreams... there I go again.. Wishin' and hopin' that time could stand still that my feelings could stand still that the words racin' and pacin' through my head could stand still! The other night I dreamt I had insomnia, I woke up exhausted yet too well rested to go back to sleep and it goes like this, every day is blurred together, the only things I can remember are the days back in December, (The 27th to be exact) that's when my heart was fully intact but knowing me I lacked the ability to react the right way and she cracked and fell away and to this day I still regret all the feelings that I kept inside of my locked chest you were the best thing that's ever happened and she said that "shit happens" but those are only lyrics to a song I gotta keep strong and keep truggin' along if I want you to see that you and I belong. Fuck.

I wear you like a badge of honor

I wear you like a badge of honor
So that I never forget
How it felt
To call you mine
I've sewn you to my jacket
I've ironed you to my sleeve
So I can feel you every time
I reach for something I need
You're my battle scar
From the nights I've stared
Hazy eyed at my ceiling
Counting the stars on my walls
Instead of the scars of my conscious
From the times I've tried fighting
The war inside your head
To save you from the hurt
That I feel every time we touch
You're the scar that impresses most
But leaves no room for discussion
You're a story wating to be told
But I can't figure out the ending
Because I'm just the reader
Trying to predict what will happen next
While you're the author
With confusion scribbled through your thoughts
And a deadline you havent met
But I'm still here
Reading you the best I can
And I stumble on words from time to time
But I won't stop reading
I can't put your book down
And it's draining me
Look at me, I'm dying
Your words suffocate my dreams
To the point of sleepless nights
But I'd rather you be on my mind
Than on someone else's
And I know we'll be fine
Because I don't like to waste time
And I hardly consider you a waste of mine
So hold on tightly
And close your eyes
And I promise you our ending
Will be a great surprise

The Little Things

This sleepy town awakened my insides. The down pour washed away my naivity and cleansed my body from the pungent smell of weeks old indeceisiveness and the smoke taht had filled my head. The beauty of nature versus the constant headache of construction. Me: Using the stars and the moon as night lights; You: Under the heavy smog from inter-state highways and oraneg lights from the city. The distance between these two states are the same as of you and I. Though it feels far greater than 3,000 miles. I'm coming back now, disgusted at the life I lead at home, jealous of the few days I spent living here. The differences in diction, in time, in weather, are the differences you wouldn't believe helped heal my mind and heartache. The thorn you thrust into my side is just a minor inconvenience now that I've learned to see clearly. The once painful words of "let's just be friends", dousn't phase me like it used to because I know your phase will be over. Your search to end your confusion will cease. Maybe somewhere in this sleepy town is teh cure for all heartache. Somewhere lost in the hallways or covered beneath the snow are the answers I'm looking for; the reasons for this maddness that hides deep within my soul. I don't know. But I'm not afraid to find out. Maybe one day I'll share this with you.. Maybe then you could see what I mean when I say that "I Miss You".

I hate that you don't love me anymore

I hate seperating your clothes from mine because you don't stay here anymore

I hate putting your items in a box and not on my shelves

I hate sleeping and holding my stuffed animals instead of you

I hate missing you and not seeing you

I hate that when you think of the good times, you get angry

I hate that no matter how hard I try to prove to you things will be different, you still don't want me

I hate that you seem happier with out me

I hate that you don't love me anymore

Day 1

Today is the first day of the rest of my life. Cliche, yes, but it's true. I get to choose how I want to live the rest of my life.

I'm breaknig old habits. The old me would mope around, desperately waiting for that phone call that I know would never come. I would cancel all my plans. I would call her and text her and beg her to come back to me. I would beat myself up over it. I would act like a pathetic little kid. Long story short: I would do nothing to change it. But like I said, I'm braeking old habits.

It's time for me to grow up. No more bullshit, hiding behind immature excuses and making careless mistakes. I can't just wait around and hope everything goes as planned; I need to make something happen... Quick. I'm almost 18 years old and what to I have to show for it? My lack of self respect and self worth? My M.O. to always run away when things get tough? My sarcastic attitude that I hide behind so I don't get hurt? That's not who I want to be anymore. I'm done using myslf and others. That's not going to get me anywhere!

I'm an independant woman. That's right - Woman. No more relying on friends to get what I want or need. I can do it myself. By no means am I saying I don't need my friends. I love them all! But I'm not going to take them for granted like I have done in the past.

2009 has been the most unique year of my life so far. I've never laughed so much. I've never loved so deeply. I've never cried so hard. But that's what makes a person. It's the extremeties. I used to hold back my feelings so that no matter what, I was prepared. I don't want to be prepared anymore. I want to look life straight in the face and take whatever it gives me. No longer will I throw in the towel when I get scared, no longer will I hang a white flag on my door and surrender.

The tough part is, is that I'm still going to have bad days. I'm still going to have days where I question myself. I'm still going to have days where I miss her and wish things had never changed. But I can't live to please everybody and not myself, because at the end of the day I'm the one who has to live with me. I have to live to impress myself and hopefully on the way I'll please her too. But that is not the reason I'm changing. I'm changing because I want to be happy again. Yes, having her would make me happy; ecstatic, actually. But if my only source of real joy comes from one person, what happens if that person leaves? I want to share my happiness with her.

Alone With Everybody

Charles Bukowski


the flesh covers the bone
and they put a mind
in there and
sometimes a soul,
and the women break
vases against the walls
and the men drink too
much
and nobody finds the
one
but keep
looking
crawling in and out
of beds.
flesh covers
the bone and the
flesh searches
for more than
flesh.

there's no chance
at all:
we are all trapped
by a singular
fate.

nobody ever finds
the one.

the city dumps fill
the junkyards fill
the madhouses fill
the hospitals fill
the graveyards fill

nothing else
fills.

Letter from home

I wish you would hear me when I say that I miss you.
I wish you could see through me and know that I mean it when I hope you're doing well
And the wells I've filled are full of pennies only you can hear but you ignore them.
You pretend you don't get it but you know I know you better than that.
I've come a long way.
I've grown from the cracks in my heart where you once were and the ashes I've cried set my memory on fire
But your letters won't burn.
And every time your head turns you pull it back into position and train your sight for tunnel vision
While your mind is still wandering the backroads of your heart.
I miss you.
I want to be the thought that keeps you up at night; the face in your dreams you can't forget.
You incinerated the hopes that I once had and left a shadow of yourself burned into the ground
And I trace myself inside your arms to remember how it felt to have you here.
To have you near my body again.
But your shadow's flat and so are the lines that connect my body and eventually we fade away.
Where ever you are I hope you're happy - I really do.
I hope you've finally realized what you deserve.
I hope you're still writing with your emotions and not just your pen.
I hope you never forget where ever you've been.
Cause I might just be a letter from home but at least you get mail at all
And I'm getting pretty tired of paper cuts.
And no I don't know where we're going to end up but your number on the back of my hand won't wash off.
Is there a place where the ocean dissolves the sand till there's nothing left but a memory?
Is it safe to say that's how I feel since you've gone...
Like all that I have left is a watered down memory of what once was the only reason I smiled?
For over a year you showed me what it's like to live to breathe to open my eyes and learn how to be myself
But now I'm just an old shoe box placed on the back of your shelf like all the other girls you've left.
Or have been left by.
The future.. Is tainted.
So if you write back make sure it's worth my time because my pen is running out of ink
And my hands are starting to shake from the pain of every unanswered phone call.
I used to fall at night to a fist fight against my pillow and my purley whites
And the mornings always came too soon
I made friends with the man in the moon from nights I stayed awake wishing you could hear me.
My echo's getting softer and won't reach the shore this time;
time stopped like love stops like love grows and I've grown.

Rushin Around

I haven't really engaged myself into any pieces lately. I don't know why that is. I've been super busy with school trying to get my grades where they need to be in order to enjoy my summer. My girlfriend (Anna) and I are always running around it seems. We're here then we're there and it never stops. I guess that's good in the sense that I never have time to stop and really think and I just keep goin and goin. But it's unfortunate in the sense that we don't take the time to really appreciate what we're doing. That's not really it.. We go to parks and play cards for hours sometimes and we lay in bed on the weekends for a while when we're both feeling lathargic. I don't know how to put into words what I'm trying to say. I feel almost numb. Not in the bad way where I'm blocked off from all emotion, but in the way that I just don't let things get to me because I don't have the time to. I don't have the time to miss my friends whom I haven't seen in months. Or I don't have the time to stress about school because I'm doing something else all the time and I'm distracted from it. So everytime I try to write, I don't know what to actually write about because I don't have a specific one emotion that I'm feeling enough in order to put it on paper. So I'm blank. And that bothers me. But not enough to do something about it. And it bothers me that I'm not strong enough to stop this cycle.

Ani DiFranco

Anna has introduced me to Ani DiFranco and I absolutely LOVE her!

"It feels like wreckless driving when we're talking."


"Air was smoking, streets were dry, I wasn't joking when I say goodbye."


"Oh how I miss substituting a conclusion of a confrontation with a kiss."


"Tighten my belt around my hips where your hands were missing."


"Too much is how I love you; too well is how I know you."


"I can survive and I can endure and I don't even think about her... Most of the time."


"Someday you will find you are starving and eating all of the words you just said."


"Don't you think every kitten figures out how to get down whether or not you ever show up?"


"I'm singing now because my tear ducts are too tired."


"And yes, this is the price we pay for the privilege to live for even a day."


"She built a sky scraper of procrastination."


You'll never know dear just how much I loved you. You probably think this was just my big excuse, but I stand committed to a love that came before you and that fact that I adore you is just one of my truths."


"Make me forget every moment that went by and left me so half-hearted because I felt it so half-assed."


"And love is a piano dropped from a four story window and you in the wrong place at the wrong time."

Rockstar

When I was a kid I dreamed of becoming a rockstar, would wear my hair in the stylish trends, cut my own bangs and sang till my lungs would burn. I never learned how to play guitar but my dreams of going far never fell. In the third grade my friends John, Erica and I tried out for the school talent show, we practiced for weeks on end and when our time came... We choked. I woke 8 years later with the joke of my childhood someonewhere gone but life is full of regrets. I'm willing to bet that if I went to get my dreams my life would be set but instead I met a girl who turned my world around my life is upside down and she may be more rocks and stars than rockstars but I'm letting go and opening up like singing the sweetest notes I've ever sung. Her body tattoos mine in a design that sends chills down my spine and I'm covered in ink and I think she's the link to my heart beat. Fast forward 3 months, I'm playing on her phone till my hand slipped and I brick-broke her heart. Game over. High score for being the biggest jerk to play the game. People say we're in a drought but it you could see the tears falling down my face you'd change your mind. I'll lock them up and put them on ice and set them free in the valley like my spirit is when I'm with her, but my knife's in the closet and my veins were buldging up like teeth in gums but I'd rather stay numb 'cause eventually she'll melt my heart like she did the first day I met her and I was happy I was a daughter because at least I had a chance, being a girl, or at least something close, was all I had going for me and she taught me better than to carve lettersin my skin but my hope is wearing thin 'cause we've been wrong I wanna be gone from this place and erase the hate away from their words they only serve to bore my mind so I ignore the static but she's sore from yelling I wish I cuold give more but I can't. I'll keep their words like hate notes in my pocket so we can pretend they aren't there and fold them the way my brain did the morning I woke up to realize she really wasnt there the scare inside me left me empty and bare and the leaves are falling like she left I'm falling, let me breathe her in, her cologne fills my nose like a lifeline, the skyline's burning and I'm yearning for something to come out right. Staple my mouth shut, sew my lips together with the yarn from her sweater so I can feel her everytime she moves, I wanna move like shadows from the sun, but it's getting colder and she's bolder than I am and I'm back in third grade with a knot in my throat scared to death to stumble, fumble my words around till I make no sense there's no sense or method to my madness but I always make it through. She does too. And I know sometimes I make her feel like ripper out her hair one by one because that would be more fun than talking to me and she gives the best hugs. I do too, but she's better. And sometimes she makes me feel like my mother but remember what she said was her favorite color? It's times like those when we both know why we're here. And I've been skipping days like skiping rocks to the heart beat I forgot I had, if I could retrace my steps and rewind what I said maybe I wouldn't have thios constant aching in my head, I dread the words that'll cage me in the future my stupid mouth always gets bigger the only thing I can guarantee is that I'll hutr her again in voluntarily trying to speak my mind so I apologize in advance, If I seem to dance around my words there's a chance I'm biding my time till something right comes out. So bare with me. 'Cause I may not be perfect but I never claimed to be, And she worries, like I worry when she drives too fast in the rain. So I'll be wishing on the stars in my ceiling, brightening up my room, for the morning to come back soon.

I say too much

I said too much or was it enough it's tough to stuff your feelings with fluff so I don't cuff myself to chains I'm left with the blame of every game and it all ends the same you'd think I'd learn but instead it burns you turn to hide and I've died for that moment your insides are wide and empty I havent left your side but don't tempt me 'cause the words I can use will abuse and lose you but I know the rules and the "do"s and "dont"s I know how to hurt and cause you pain 'cause I've been hurt and I've been caused pain I can't explain why my words fall like rain and they gain momentum I'm insane in the ways I convey what I say day by day I'm learning but I'd rather run away before I hafta pay for my ways... But you stop me. I've never been put in my place, usually like a race to leave, you make me pace then retrace my steps and I've said to much. Is it enough? My mouth won't shut with these words that cut I'm in more than just a rut this time but what... Is keeping me from changing? It happens every time, each a different crime the sentence is the same; get dropped and a new girl comes around, usually a rebound, I'll let her down or she'll leave town and I'm bound to be alone the sound won't break the silence but I've found someone who will and I say too much of what's never enough you're the only one who can see through my bluff and I'm keeping you... As long as you'll let me.

Love Poem--Andrea Gibson

You are the music of two grasshoppers making love on a rosebush outside my schoolyard where four-year-olds ask me, "Andrea,what are the grasshoppers doing?" and I tell them they're dancing to the music of you are the gaps in my ribcage where the sunrise whines through to my heart and you are the part of the sunset that is so pink the grasshoppers think 'maybe we should just stop and watch' you are the moon when it blooms for the very first time and the child inspired unwound the little jar that set 10,000 grasshoppers free and you drive me fucking crazy I mean insanely you make me wanna take a fork to my eyeballs rip the hair from my arm pits and shove it down my throat 'cause I would rather choke than argue another minute with you but you are so...Pretty and smart you know so many words you're every poem I would write if ink could ever hold the light that glows from your toes when you're climbing up trees I swear you get sap running thick in your veins and I never love you more than when you're mourning the death of raindrops falling foresaken on pavement God I love how you hate pavement but you make me wanna smash my skull on pavement it's true when we argue you make me wanna rip off my nose, bone and all like my uncle Billy used to pretend to do he'd say "girl, I'm gonna rip off your nose" and he'd tug at my face and hold out half his thumb and half the time he'd fool me and I'd start crying but I'm older now and I'm not lying you make me wanna rip off my nose...except when you dont...Sometimes you make me wish I had an extra nose only to smell your hair because I love how your hair smells like hair I always hated the smell of shampoo besides, I love you, it's true. The way you pretend to chew gum when you're nervous the way you stick out your tongue when you look in the mirror cause you think your face is shaped better that way and I love the way you pray and I love the way you chew and use chopsticks like you're from Japan or China or where ever chopsticks are from. God, you're a woman of culture I wanna eat you like not a vulture... A swan. I wanna eat you like swans eat flowers baby if swans ever ate flowers I would eat you like that for hours...except when you're sour... And acting like a self-righteous grumpy old grump like you do sometimes cause those times you make me wanna run to the edge of the fucking world and hurl myself into a black fucking hole and never come back ever... And then there are the times I wanna be with you forever... And follow you forever where ever you go if only for that freckle in the middle of your belly that's just like mine or the time you corrected me for saying man instead of human kind I can't believe I did that you know how much I love your boobs.. Almost as much as I love how you hate that I call breasts boobs and say you're tired of dating a twelve-year-old boy but God your boobs bring me joy, though I could live forever between the lines of your teeth and eat nothing but memory and purge myself clean you are a dream we are a nightmare sometimes but if you wake up crying I'll be there to hold you fold you in the pockets of my faith and say "we'll be okay..."

Ms. Aracic's Life Lessons

Never take off your shirt while celebrating Mardi Gras in New Orleans

Whenever you go to a Denny's or IHOP in an unfamiliar location, always order pancakes. They can't mess up pancakes.

Never try popping an inner tube with a machete; it will sway back at you and slice your hand.

If you want to get out of something fake a headache; no one will argue with you if you have a headache

90% of headaches come from dehydration

People who marry for money eventually get what they deserve

3 keys to memorization:
Chunk it
Learn it over time
Repeat it

Generally in life you have about 6-8 years you can "waste" before knowing what you wanna do

If you don't want to do a menial task again, do it wrong the first time

Photographs and Memories - Jason Reeves

I just heard this song and it reminds me a lot of some of my friends who are going through hard times. Hold on and hang in there because things can only get better. It hurts in the begining; it's raw. But you'll make it through.


I keep your picture by my bed for when im feeling sad
and i dont know why i would be.
the way your smile looks so real
i feel like i could start to understand your grace.
and i dont understand why you're
not here with me.
and i dont even wanna know where else
you'd be.

cause i have photographs and memories of the times
when you weren't on my mind and i was alone.
and i have poetry and drawings of my life
when you weren't on my side and i didn't know
just what is love...

writing moments on the wall with different colors
keeps my mind away from missing you.
and i can't wait to fall asleep to slip into my dreams
where we can dance upon a star..
and i will be as patient as a boy in love could ever be.
cause i don't feel like i was real until you were
a part of me.


i need you back, i need you back
i need you here.
i need your smile, i need your eyes
i need you dear.
cause every line on your face makes a beautiful maze
for my eyes to trace...

Tame my Flames

Her arms are the hoses that put my flames out I shout for her safety, draw a route to my heart never doubt we'll never part I'd be crazy to leave her best believe that I need her, number one, she's a keeper I'm thanking Gods I don't believe in for everyday she keeps stealin' my heart she's reelin' my feelin's to the surface with her my heart is healin', never too much I'm wanting more my flames are 10ft off the floor she's my only cure I soar for miles to the shore I know I'll find her there for sure she brings me back to solid ground, always there when I come back down, don't leave my side; stick around, is this loev or just the begining? I knew it was love from the begining I'm finally winning in this game, the only one who can tame my flames and yes I'm still afraid of rings so we'll take it slow and see what it brings but the way she clings herself around my neck makes me wanna forget everything that I've wrecked she'll protect me and I'll hold her, she falls asleep on my shoulder I'll get cold, she's always colder, never misses a beat she finds a way to make us meet every night is on repeat, she's the elite no one can defeat her or delete her she's here to stay I complete her... I hope.

Confortable

Babygirl you got my attention, too many feelings you'd rather not mention. I think secretly you really do cry, but don't worry baby, so do I. We've both been burned a time or two, but everything feels so different with you. I'm settling down I'm done runnin this game, so tell me girl, will you do the same?

Won't Ever Stop

"Run away
Before I get in too deep".
I don't need anyone more
I've been fine like this before
Lock up my chest; throw away the key
I know what I'm doing, let me be
I can protect myself through the night
I'll show myself how to fight
The walls never close on me
I slip through the cracks and lose the ring
That's burning this hole through my pocket
My anxiety won't ever stop it
My wings may be broken, my halo is gone
But you won't see me after dawn
Love...
Won't break me down
I'll run and I'll hide till I finally drown
The last inch of rope is keeping me alive
This is the only way I know how to survive
My mind thrives on regret
I run faster with every threat
There's no Plan B
Never a Plan C
The name of the game
Is always the same
Till I'm boxed in and ashamed
I'm ready to explode
I put myself in Panic Mode
And I do whatever I can to get out of that spot
Hurting everyone in my way, careful not to get shot
I plan on staying free
That's all I'll ever be
They can't handle me
I'm always on offense, never play D
If there's one thing I know
It's that I won't ever slow
Down for just a chick
I won't stick; It'll be quick
Cause my heart's already felt
The bad cards I've been dealt
And if it has any say
It'll tell me to run away